introducing: ye oldez (remix)

(this isn't a cop-out. taken a page from my sketchbook and accessorized it, photoshop style, beeetchezzzz.)

ye olde

the Vassar.
also known as Vassar. small town. and in my professional opinion, it is about as small as they come, and still decreasing in size. (that is, all except for one very rowdy weekend once every year where people celebrate when beer and baseball procreated, and thus Li'l Baby Beer Gardens was born... (but that is a story for another time, children)
this town is tucked away behind a load of trees and snowmobile trails down in one corner of manitoba. It has three streets, appropriately nicknamed by Nessa and myself as Higgins, Portage, and Main... ykno, so that we feel a little bit closer to home. There is a general store, owned and operated entirely by one man. I am not quite sure of my relation to him, although I have a feeling that it is through "family". I have never witnessed this character anywhere other than behind the counter at this store. In front of it are two old-school gas pumps that has evidence of probably worked (once upon a time); scientists estimate that it was somewhere around the Mesozoic period. No one can be sure.

The store closes early. So buy your cigarettes before supper. The church has its doors open to the public for more hours a day than ye olde general store does, it seems to me. I couldn't tell you how late the church is open. There is an eerie-ness about wandering the almost-vacant town at night, when you can hear the electricity crackle and pop as it zips through the telephone wires over-head, and the only thing you pass is a cemetary and a few stray dogs when on route to the church. So no, I haven't personally checked what time the doors of Vassar church is open until at night.

[Without exaggerating too much...]
it is my guess that of the 14 houses standing on each of the three streets, only 11 are occupied. The town residents get older, and anyone who was then considered of younger generation have had little poop machines of their own (x3) in larger neighboring towns.
A sad, yet tragic, yet somehow beautiful thing I find about the Vassar, is it's impending ghost town status. And I will miss it. As eerie as it seems to my pansy-ass self at times, i fucking love this place. A lot of warm and cozy and family-oriented memories were created here. And lots of turkey dinners, complete with mashed potatoes. O, and the jello.

That with that being said, Vassar is where I spent my Christmas, like how I always spend it. With two floors full of french-accented men and women that I call my family. Lots of wrapping paper, chocolates, and camera flashes (as always), and hugs and warm wishes. That is the one thing I like about Christmas. But if you ask me, I would enjoy it anytime of the year that this could happen. It is not exclusive to the 25th of December. And neither Thanksgiving and Easter, for that matter.
Therefore, I still am not the biggest fan of christmas. And I just rationalized the only part of the holiday that I actually enjoy. So take that!

New years is approaching just as quickly as xmas. ....or any other single day of the year, really. We're thinking that maybe the renting of a hotel room is in the works. Fuck cover charges to bars and events. A house party is what I would really enjoy, but I haven't got my eyes on any of those, this time around. We shall see.
Perhaps what you folks need is a good dose of a few pages of ye olde sketchbook.
Ye olde, again???? I'll ye olde everything, gawddamnit! Justyou watch!

I am sitting and waiting here patiently for a call back or a text message from the woman who gave birth to a screaming me, many a-year ago. It was the mother's birthday a few days ago, and I made her something I hope she'll fucking love.
I am sure all of you can keep a secret (also I wont give out her phone number, so you can ruin the surprise), but I painted and scratched away at the surface of a 12inch vinyl so that it made an elephant constellation among many stars. The mother is a big fan of giraffes, and elephants, and little knick-knacks that seem authentically african, altho they were made somewhere in the states. And by that they really meant it was made in a basement somewhere in portage la prairie.
But that is beyond the point. I do think she'll love it.

Christmas is coming up. By the way.
Anyone who didnt notice, just making sure you see this. Christmas is coming, and quickly. Less than a week. Sorry if you were stressing about unbaked goods, or unbought presents, but I thought I'd turn the heat up a little bit and light a fire under your metaphorical asses.
Ahhhhhhh, isn't the pressure just absolutely wonderful???

That means there is 6 more days I have to fill up a few blank pages in either of my sketchbooks. That will be two complete sketchbooks in one year (count it: christmas to christmas, bitches)

Thank YOU, baby jesus, for the plethora of mandarin (aka "christmas...") oranges that enter my belly on a daily basis.
See? We have lots to be thankful for.
Damn it. It's not thanksgiving, tho. So now what?

o christmas tree, o christmas tree

O terrible boredom.
This house in which I am currently staying, is COLD. Before the family moved in here, either previous tenants, or half-assed contractors hired by the scumbag landlord, built an addition to the house, in which there is no insulation..
What??
Really??
Did they forget that this is Winnipeg??
Anyways, I hardly stray more than ten feet away from my personal little heater, which keeps the bedroom at almost a decent temperature for a few minutes after the heater turns itself off. Making food, means putting on another sweater or two, and a couple extra pairs of socks, to bear the coldness of the kitchen area.
I don't have a winter jacket.
It's somewhere at my sister/brother's house. Packed away in a box. I figured, when that box was packed, that I would already have another place of residence by the time it got this cold, and that said box would already be unpacked in my new abode.
Lauren has been gone for the evening- working, and helping the family act civil towards each other while putting up the christmas tree.
christmas tree.... christmas tree...
o right! its that so-called Christmas coming up. O lordy. The holiday in which I have a love/hate relationship with. It doesn't agree with any of my morals. And neither does the holiday music- I've come to discover. (That one struck me one xmas season, years ago, working in a mall.)

So I am here waiting for Lauren to finish her duties, while i quietly bide my time... doing god-knows-what, making art, and napping (lots of napping). In fact, i haven't been able to stop napping the past week or so. It's been really hard to actually get up out of bed, at all. I could really just sleep the days away. Something tells me I have become slightly depressed. Working past it, seems hard and full of effort... but worth the attempts.
Perhaps a hunt for chocolate will lift my spirits! I have a hella sweet tooth that needs its cravings a-fixxxxxxxed.

update: still no word from fucking-jerk-face disability, who owes me money from a few months back now. my patience is wearing thin. but not like that makes any difference at all..

I'm coming around. You'll see, just give it good time and you'll see.
And I am sure you all have good ideas about. Nobody lies to nobody, is what I have come to learn. Call it a life lesson or something. Or something. Or something.
Give me a break.

bruised billy-joel new york state-of-mind

lighting up to pass the time
and not a moment too soon.
before my head took notice
and took cover
here I stand, hung up on a few details
of imperfections and not-good-enoughs.
is it true?
compare my reflection to theirs
suddenly i don't look the same.
older eyes
with less to show..
except memories of the bottom of the world.
thought I was done
but I was really just wrong.

this is mighty chewy

...click on that. i can't believe this guy.
Want to read a scary article about this guy the president trusts and his "genius" child-porn mumbo-jumbo???

that article is ridiculous.

...my eyes keep closing whilst attempting to focus on the screen in front of me. So I am here rambling to you guys via this thing, to waste more time. Ten more minutes. Eight more. Five.
Looking at pictures of athiest cats, reading articles about Obama's failure-in-process, browsing endless drum-and-bass sights, and re-thinking my approach to life.... all things that i have participated in, in the last half hour.

and now, after realizing that the time is 2:48 in the am, i am considering bed as a fantastic *yawn! stretch*.... idea.
g'nite y'all.

kar-fucking-ma

this morning i guess I felt refreshed, after a grand total of 3 (count it) hours of sleep. As refreshed as I could have been, and more soft spoken than usual (given the circumstances), I indulged in a re-frozen slurpee from last night and chatted before, during commercials, and after an episode of The City, with Lauren. We complained about our lack of sleep, and decided that we are not in as prime health as one would like. I found myself this little file sorter ma-bob last month, and cleaned out the other persons documents, and re-labelled the dividing tabs so it was much more suited to my needs (the past two nights).
Human Figures/Living Situations/Oldies/ Magazine Clippings/ Lists I Cant Seem to Toss/Newspaper Cutouts/ Collage Stuffs...etc.etc.etc.
I dug out this old piece of paper that I fetched from the mail box of my old apartment, y'kno... the one I really fucking liked? I let myself into the building (fuck you, it's my key now), and got some old mail. And today I really REALLy read over some of the papers. They weren't addressed to me, and I am well aware that it's some sort of federal offense to open someone elses mail (it benefitted me in the past, for when I randomly opened a package addressed to an old tenant, inside was the exact replacement battery that I needed for my phone), so don't worry about giving me shit. The emotional pain and anguish my guilty conscience has suffered is punishment enough (~suppresses laugh~).
It was addressed to my former roommate, whos name was on the lease. And it was from the tenancy board, so I felt like I had every right to open that single envelope. I was living there and all. Anywho, upon further inspection today, I read at the bottom of the second sheet about how we REALLY had until October the 6th, to vacate that damn apartment. NOT the 25th of September, like that roommate, and my more recent of former roommates (Bitch-ard) had led me to believe. Ugh. I could have bought myself much more time, than the day they had given myself to pack up ALL my belongings and get out.
Sigh.
C'est la vie.
I got all upset shortly after reading this. And then reading that had the former roommate (who's mail I opened) could have stopped this, but instead chose to NOT show up at the court hearing. I think my eyes leaked a little bit. And then I sighed a whole lot more and made Lauren hold me while I poured my heart out about not expecting any single individual human being to treat me at all like how I treat them (which is too nice. I am way too nice. and yes, this is a disadvantage), but instead at the very least like another respectable human- their equal. Maybe I am wrong to think that everybody should have this benefit, but I still stand by it. Regardless.

So to all the assholes out there who take people for granted, and consider their friends really as just another bridge to burn... fuck you.
Karma, bitches.

careful now.

This is most obviously a massive makeout session between me and L.Slice.
As a result, the victims are rumored to be upwards of 56 innocent bystanders. It is thought that there are at least three individuals on vacation from Peru, that were also lost in the madness.

Rescue workers are continuing their efforts.

armed with only a pencil, she was more dangerous than they'd ever know.

to me the best feeling in the entire world is when my hands and arms, past my elbows is covered in paint. when there are a too-large array or markers and a million different pencils scattered all over the floor, bed, and couch. when the lines just flow, and when the colors surprise even me and make everything look better.
the best feeling in the world, is depicting the all insane scribbles I see inside my head on that piece of paper, that canvas, that napkin... and feel like I have accomplished explaining myself to the surrounding world, just a little better.
even though I am well aware that they are just probably more confused than they were to begin with.
the greatest feeling, when I refuse to throw out every little doodle and scribble made while waiting for my booster juice, or while sitting crammed against the window on a busy transit bus on the way home. Finding inspiration from the repetitive world downtown, or the even more repetitive suburban lifestyle. Checking out the sky in awe and wishing i could replicate the color scheme in a piece I started last night.

The best feeling... is letting my hand lead the way and create something I so previously I had thought impossible for me to do. I sigh. I smile. I get excited and motivated to attack my sketchbook once more. It's been since last Christmas that I have filled a sketchbook and a half. It wouldnt surprise me if I filled the other half of that one, by the time Christmas rolls around again. No sketchbooks handy?
No problem.
I just create and turn everything in my life into one big art project.

I love my brain. I love these hands. And I love that nobody holds me back from what I really love in life. And if they were to try, they wouldn't succeed.

bitches. bitchesbitchesbitches bitches

Alphonze is so fecking rad. That's my rat. Rightnow he is trying to find where the chocolate is at.

Disability makes me cry. More than once this week. I am so frustrated, that I could explode. I was hoping that things would have been taken care of by today, but its not. I am so sick of explaining the situation, so I am not even going to bother on here.
If I knew ahead of time, or even a few weeks ago, I could have been looking hard for work. If I wasn't to expect these November benefits, then I would have found another way to make up rent money, and money to pay my fucking bills. But no, I waited and waited and waited, and talked on the phone (accomplishing fuck all), and then waited and waited again. And I am still waiting.
Thats right. I love it (retch).
So that is my release of frustration, complete with exasperated noises, hand gestures, and obviously smoke signals.

We went for a ride to get slurpee's and now i honestly feel better. maybe its the slurpees. Maybe it is the good vibes and energy from Lauren during the truck drive. Maybe it's the fact that everything IS, in fact, going to somehow someway work out, and that I just need to stop whining and shut the fuck up about it and just go make some nachos.
cuz I am fucking lucky that I have this place to stay. And I am fucking lucky that there is food to eat, and that i still have a phone to use. And hey, whats this... internet, too? Seeeee now, I have a lot to be thankful for. And by the time I get my november benefits, I will be getting december's not long thereafter. And that will be fucking nice.
fuck.
yes.
bitches.

today i woke up to people, left and right, giving me shit.
i love when that happens.
my sister calling me and giving me a hard time. my disability office giving me shit because they don't have the right information STILL, to issue me the money I am supposed to be living off of for the month of november. It's not much, but it is still something that I rely on to pay my bills.
Last night I had a great amazing fun time with Lauren. But this morning is a different story.
I love the girl, and am happy that she has a job now. I packed her a lunch and sorta-waved her off to work today. Now I wait here, for some sort of money miracle to happen before I can do anything.

hack coff coff wheeeeze

I am super exhausted again the past few days. And yet I find that I still cannot sleep. When I am awake, I decide that I am not coherent enough to function in the real world. Or I avoid stepping outside because I am slowly reverting back to my ways of Hermitism. It's a rare condition in which I completely avoid interacting with the real world. The world can come interact with me, if they want to make small talk. Until then, it just ain't happening.
I am sure there are healthier ways to go about doing things.
Cigarettes feel way too good in my lungs this week. My cough is an excellent display of the quality of said smoked cigarettes.

Lauren has gotten a job at Ipsos. I used to work there. I remember not liking it, and trying to get out of it. I believe it lasted about three weeks or so. Alas, guess where I found myself 5 or so days ago? ....In the office of Ipsos, checking [ ] YES to Have you ever worked at Ipsos before? on their application form.
I am not going to lie. I am fucking terrified of getting an actual job. Sure, I may seem like a fully functional individual, but don't let it fool you... I have a hard time being consistent. My mood swings determine how I believe I really truly feel about the job, and that determines the rest of the story.
ugh. social anxieties and pressure and whatnot.
see? shit like this makes me wonder if perhaps I would be better off on my prescribed meds [ahh, the eternal question...]...

I still haven't gotten my check for social assistance, like I was supposed to get at the beginning of November. Sigh. They want to make sure me and Lauren's dad are not "common-law"....
....
woah. no thanks. [thats awkward] So I have to wait and wait and wait and then do it all over again. Funds are getting low, and it's making it hard to do anything.

My mom is taking me out for lunch today. I better call her back. I can't wait. Ever since I moved out of my mom's, we get along so so so much better. You know how all that nonsense goes.

virgo

We figured out our cats' zodiac signs.
....
really?

(bowsa's a virgo!)

my cat is in love with my girlfriend.
others may find this weird.
i think my cat has good taste.

no picking at it.

have you ever wondered if your grandfather, uncle, or oldest brother thrice removed looked like a lesbian???
compare now, and find out!!

THESE OLD MEN ARE ACTUALLY REALLY TRULY OLD MEN...!

(ceej will not be held responsible for any scarring. viewer discretion is advised)

to the owner of the blue honda

i got my kitty back. she hadn't gone anywhere that I hadn't put her.
but i went and got her back.
now she is all doped up. awkward standing on those doped up kitty legs of hers.
therefore sleep is either a must or a really welcoming choice.
===
it breaks my heart when I see my baby cry and I dont know what to do
to make her smile, except to make monster noises with my throat cuz i had a li'l somethin-somethin stuck back there.
===
o thom yorke... you are slowly owning my soul.
===
i dont even like smoking cigarettes. i crave them, but not as much as I smoke them. I just need something to do. Constantly. Even when I am doing something, i have to be doing another something more! It's a vicious cycle... my something-doing is never fulfilled
--dramatically breaks down and then waits patiently for academy award--
===
bong? did someone say bong? wait, was that me?
...no matter. whoever it was, you just made an excellent point.
===
ps.fuck you jd

my new found love and adoration is.....
slurpees!
omg yes. they are so beautiful and make my throat a wonderful mess of awesome.

I really honestly do not know how I stay up so late. I could be fucking exhausted at 3 in the afternoon, and not know if I will be able to make it to supper time.. and still somehow not be able to fall asleep until about 5 or 6 am.
And with that, I sleep all day.
I can hear a whole stack of you muttering under your breath, "must be nice..."
well i'll tell ya, yeah, it is fucking nice to be able to sleep all fucking day. Mind you, i dont get a thing accomplished. Nothing.
but whatever. i guess complaining about it is not going to change anything.
so lets go jump in bed with lauren and get cozy again.. =D

my big debut as a Box Office Critic!

I watched "The Jacket" last night. fucking neat concept for a movie.
basically, it's about this guy (Jack Starks played by Adrian Brody) who has amnesia after being shot in the head overseas, while fighting in the war. Hardly survived, was actually given a Time of Death. Back in the good ol' US of A, he gets caught up in a bad situation because he was in the wrong time at the wrong place, which he is apparently really good at doing, and blamed for a cop killing (but he cant remember what happens). The whole ordeal is pinned on Jack and he gets convicted an asylum for the criminally insane.
Its early nineties, and I guess it's experimental treatment or something, but they drug him up in the middle of the night, toss him in this dirty disgusting straightjacket (thus the name), and then he it placed on a tray and slid into a large morgue-like drawer that is probably a morgue.
For hours. Holy fuck. That would freak the fuck out of me. I am so not down with the morgue drawers. No way. Not happening.
Maybe its the silence and solitude and the claustrophobic like conditions, but Jack's brain does some weird shit. Sometimes, he remembers things that happened in the past. But for the most part, he actually goes ahead in to the future.
...then the movie starts from there.
Fast-fucking-moving movie.
The ending had me preparing myself for one of those girly mega-sad moments where I pretend I am not crying...but I really am. And I really easily could have! But I made Lauren tell me what was going to happen, so that I didn't have to go through that ordeal.
(note to readers: CJ is a big-freakin'-suck)

anyways, i wouldnt suggest spending money and renting it.
or spending money on a time travelling machine to go back in time and spending more money on seeing it in theatres...
heck, im a wicked cheap person. but i WOULD suggest downloading it (cheapy-cheap-cheap style) .

but now onto the most important part:
akjg;lakjg;lkajg ;lakjg ak;jdg ;lakdjg....madly in love with miss lauren and her beautiful body and her sexy smokin' hot brain. and how she is the only person in the entire that I ever want to be touching, or touching me. sigh. gag. vomit. o, love.

please wait while your frogger is updated

this pen and paper transaction.. will self distruct.

Kitten liberation for all...!

...good point.

I bought this tinier sketchbook years and years ago, for its size convenience. But being as I wasn't used to the new size (more than half as small as a regular sized sketchbook that I've been using). It restricted me, and that is probably something that I should just get over. Either way, I have now finally (years later) come up with a purpose for said-tiny-sketchbook, and it has become a home to a journal/streams-of-thought via writing and ridiculous doodles/neat cutouts.
A few deviations that can be found throughout its pages, is posted above. BUUUUUuuuuTTT (hhehehehehehhe), i am fairly certain that you already figured this out.

o and whats this? cj has a new camera???? prepare yourselves for lots of this sort of shit, bitches.
peace. *gangsign*

lenard and adeline

it took the smoke of some burning weed, and a trance-like state in which I worked on my art, to have pop into my mind a time when I used to go to my cousins house for birthdays.
my two dearest cousins, on my fathers side, would invite me and my brother over for die-hard ritual of the birthday "party" for family.
Invitation for: 7:00.
arrive. continue with hugs. say hello to the very distant (i guess it was) family (?).
among those very distant family members was two distinct individuals who stick out in my mind. I believe they may have been my uncle's Aunt and Uncle, the sister (or brother) of his dad, and their significant other. One was Lenard, and the other was Adeline. They were about seventy, or had to be nearing the age, if they weren't.
Lenard was a super distinct character. He sat kind of hunched over in a weird fashion, because of some disabling condition he had - i am to assume. When he "walked" (which I only saw him do when he left) it was with a lot of difficulty, but apparently he was something he had become accustomed to. I can't remember a time when it was any other way. Lenard had large circular, very thick glasses. Kind of like Bubbles for Trailer Park Boys, except these ones weren't for comedic value. And he loved Jesus. Well, he never said this, but I bet you your mother that he did, because once in a while he would take out his little pocket bible and glance through it, running his finger down the page for the verse he was looking for. See what I meant about the loving-jesus thing?
Smart man though, this Lenard guy. He always asked me (with a very distinct booming voice) with keen interest every time I arrived how I was doing. And seemed to remember what I had answered to him last family birthday. He asked about my art and i vaguely recall showing him something from my sketchbook once... altho I had carefully selected it amongst the pages. They were a religious sort, and I had half-finished works with the devil puppet-ing a small jesus marionette. Personally, I liked it. Thought it was a riot. But... I respected the man, so I didn't show him that page. He asked too, if I was going to further my education in the field, and whether or not I had a portfolio ready. All sorts of things that adults that you are acquainted that haven't seen you in awhile, would ask.
His wife, Adeline, was very much an Adeline, or a Margaret. She sat smiling away at the birthdays, with silly and very friendly comments. An older woman with floral sort of dresses/clothing on - shoulder pads included. I didnt, and still dont, know much about her. I am pretty sure that she didn't work much or get a high education.
So last night, I thought about what these two must do when they are not attending these two birthday parties a year. I am assuming that Adeline would drive the car, because Lenard just simply couldn't walk so that meant that he probably couldn't drive either. I bet that he spent his days sitting in his living room, bent over slightly like how he would, beside a large window, reading. Probably reading up verses from the bible, when he thought one relevant to a thought he had, or a situation, or a conversation between him and Adeline. Any other time, would read up about current issues and the way it is affecting the world, in books that were probably pretty thick- almost textbook style.
Adeline? I am not quite sure what she would do. I kind of picture her cooking and making food and constantly preparing for supper. I find that a little typical for me to assume.
And in the same sense, I picture her either sitting and bidding her time, watching out the window. Or spending countless hours with the television turned to PBS.
That might be a harsh assumption, but I can't change what I had already been thinking. I wonder if they get bored. They don't work. I don't think they have, ever since I knew them from years and years ago- the beginning of the birthday-party-family-style tradition. But that is them in a nutshell (a la cj memory).

And since i have no nice way or conclusion to that thought/memory/rambling, I'll just end this right here by saying, tip your waitresses. Not all of them, only the dope ones.

Collage a la yarr.

so I am fairly certain that my cat (whom i found two days after being an escapee) is preggo.
she still acts like she is in heat right now tho. And after reading a lot of websites, a lot of ignorant answers, and that Yahoo question-answer thing, I found out and decided that, yes, she can still be in heat while preggo.
boo-urns.
I am going to call the humane society today and let them know. She was supposed to get fized nov.3, but hopefully they will bump it ahead now.
But until then, mrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooow

.,...i have taken up imitating my cat. For all those who wish to remain sane, distance yourself 3.5km from me at all times. thank you and good night

where'z da optimizim at, bitchezzzzz

"..you other brothers cant deny..."

.
I dont mean to make it sound like I am some sort of self-righteous asshole, but I miss when people do favors. I do, Go out of my way, that is. Shit like that.
Y'know, forget I made that comment.
I should and don't expect things from other people. Because I do not help people out and then expect anything in return.
That was just my moment's frustration pouring out onto my keyboard and onto your screen.
[October is free-loader month! Freeload all month long to celebrate!]

On a good note: artistic inspiration is back! Somewheree between five days-one week, I couldn't draw. Usually I spend probably ten hours a day (no exaggeration) inside my sketchbook, creating and coloring and the whole ordeal. So a few days (x10) without the comfort of the inside of my sketchbook pages, felt like forever.

[a special thanks to the good people at Weight Watchers, for reasons that don't matter to me!]

Is it actually October outside? In here, i refuse to let september end. Altho, maybe it IS time that i let it go. Considering it was, as it usually is, a shitty month. Halloween is soon. Costume ideas? Not a clue.
I cant find the cord to charge my mp3player and i am going to shoot a bitch.
Sounds like I am very frustrated today, although that is not the case. I still want that cord, tho.

..found it.

nice hill

we are snappy at each other. we're irritable.
something tells me that we need a bit more space than is conceivable.
i hate feeling this way, but as reality is happening around us, and in all reality, we need some room to breath.
my chest is heavy with invisible weight. and i dont want the force of it to get to me.
simple fix, before it turns into something much more complicated..

y'all get what im saying?

ps.good stirfry be filling me belly

$70.00 no show fee

it is fairly safe to saythat my once-kitten, cat, has gotten infected with the Preggo plague. The preggo plague has been striking females of every species for millions of years. This is madness!
Anywho, she's warm and home and safe and still raising hell.

My bones and limbs ache less today than yesterday. I have been moving boxes and shit around and trying to be a good guest in a house that is already too full. Its not that bad.
I am trying my damndest to give Lauren space from me, because i feel that I may cause some unnecessary bitterness or hate directed towards me, because she is living with someone who is crowding her personal space.

alas, i have lots to say but i should be getting my clothes on and whatnot o prepare for ze day.
cheers.

how is it possible that fake moustaches are trendy???????????

une chat

this week was the week from hell. Still is, I am going to go ahead an assume.

We were kinda forced out of my place. Had to be out BY yesterday. I have a lot of stuff, it seems, so packing was difficult and unorganized. I had a little help here and there. Any muscle-help that was planned and promised for tuesday, bailed. My friends are sweet though, and I had a lot of offers for help, and a lot of offers for places to stay at.

Tuesday was fueled by literally a half-hour of sleep from the night before. (i'd been stressin')

Tuesday night ended at 430/500am on actually wednesday morning.

I missed my alarm wednesday morning to wake up. I set it for 600am. I had to be out by 900am, i was informed. Slept in until 1000am (i direly needed these few hours). I had slept at Lauren's cuz my place was a mess of boxes and cigarette butts. Brought my cat and rat here. (Porshe is Brittany's cat, so she took her to her mom's)

The chaos was confusing the hell out of them. Bowsa had to stay in Lauren's bedroom with us, cuz she has 4 other cats. o lordy.

Well anyways, when I awoke at 10, i didnt see my cat. Not under bed. Not in closet... where else? I look out the window to find that the screen had been pushed out... my cat got out.

She still is out. And I miss her a lot.

Bowsa's in heat, too. So by this point, it is no doubt that she is already preggo.

If anyone sees her, please please please let me know asap. If you dont got my number, call Lauren..

She is black and white, with a pink dyed spot on her chest. Answers to her name.

Lost around Nassau and corydon. Please please please please keep an eye out for her. she's become kind-of a pansy since she started living with me. Thanxxxxx.

(le sigh)

cj for prez!

last night was a tad complicated.

lauren and i went to scott's birthday shindig at like 1am, for the tail end of it. we were updated on the vulgar details of Claire's recent sexual encounter with a lady, despite several attempts to change the conversation topic.

things with my apartment have taken a nosedive. no one is on the lease still. Ciara has to attend court on wnednesday because they want to kick us out. Lauren wants me to move in. I think that'd be swell, except personal space would be hard to come by. A month wouldnt be bad, because I would have time to save some money. And it might be fun. She's excited. I just don't want this to be too much for each of us. And something tells me it might.

Finally got ahold of the humane society to get my cat fixed. I need to find my way down there asap so that I can make sure that goes through. Especially since I may be moving into Lauren's and she already has four cats. Holy hell, this'll be hectic.

I'm a little overwhelmed lately, and could use moments of sanity.

Been riding my bike a LOT lately. That works as some sort of sanity restorer.

shoot itin the left eye. feel it onthe right side

ah, the confusing act of deciphering the human language.
namely: females.
the past few days has brought to light something for me. this something is what separates me from a vast majority of the female species, believe it or not.
typically, communication barriers is what draws one of the many lines, between guys and ladies. men tend to not communicate enough. while womyn, generally speaking, communicate very cryptically.
as much as I know that every wretched cosmo, and maxim, and whatever magazine out there that i find beside me in line as I bring my vodka mix to the safeway checkout, touches on this topic, I am going to venture there as well. I'd hate to feel left out, and all.
The "whats wrong" question.
And the "nothing" response.
me and lauren semi-discussed this the other day.
[directed at the ones with vaginas:] When there is clearly something wrong, why isn't it just brought to the table? especially when it is given the most opportune moment, when the question-asker is waiting eagerly for their answer. Why, o why, say "nothing" when it really truly IS something?
And it is my conclusion, that this is what is holding me back from being considered one of the girls.
If someone were to ask me, ceej, what was wrong? Well, let me tell you (excuse me, warn you, is what i really mean)... you are most definitely going to get my very full and detailed answer, complete with a reason, any background info you should know, and what I expect to come of it.
And I'm talking full detail.
you: "CJ, whats wrong?"
me: "well i'm sure it's just me being cranky and bitchy, but everybody and their mother has been picking on me today. It is probably just me, because I didn't get enough sleep last night, and I do need to shower... Maybe I should read my horoscope, cuz I bet you your firstborn, that it'll say that I am embracing my female qualities and traits, and being all emotional and shit or something. That would make sense."

that sort of thing.
(warning: if you ask ceej a question, most definitely be prepared for the full answer, whether you want to hear it or not.)

the end.
[cue APPLAUSE sign]
[turn off sign]

banana phone

happy friday.
today hasn't been terrible. the weather has been grey but enjoyable. the conversations have been light and not too demanding. the art has been handed in, although one seems to be lost. cigarettes are plentiful and minty for a change. and a joint has been half-smoked, with the other half waiting for my attention.
sounds like good gravy news to me.
yesterday i felt the world collapse a little around me. it was a little too heavy for my liking. i felt the pressure of [an extended] deadline approaching. every small thing that could have went wrong, did. thank the lordy that any large things that could have went wrong, didnt. i was incredibly sick last night, hopefully the finale to the sickness that has slowly been building up the past few days. and what finale! i havent been that sick in years. neither has lauren.
so today we are kicking back and taking it easy and letting our poor bodies recover a little, before hitting up the edge gallery tonight for the 12inch show.
i lost my record i had cut/melted into the shape of a gear.. and cant seem to find it. so i had no chance of submitting that one. altho i did happen to give in four that i am ultimately pleased with.

my family thinks (from what my sister tells me) that i dont go out to the cabin cuz I am afraid that I think they dont approve of me and lauren.
they couldnt be more off-target. i dont care what they think, and would bring her regardless if they approved or not. that has never crossed my thoughts. it seems to me, and always has, that they are fine with me and her together. when i dont go out to the cabin, its not because of that. it is because i am 23 and busy and have a lot of stuff to do.
to be honest, if they mentioned how much they'd like me there a certain weekend, then I WOULD go. i like it out there.its all quiet. and my phone doesnt ring. what a nice change.

i got ho's in diff area codes

so this past year hast been a really big one for me.
if you haven't noticed.
i, the apparently infamous cj hardcore, have calmed... the fuck... down. that statement is so true, it hurts. it doesnt hurt me, but im sure that Absolut is lacking in sales. Same with Molson. its not anybody's doing, but my own... although I am fairly certain that one individual named Lauren had some sort of influence.

This past year, I have been with Lauren and unofficially (who the fuck cares about "validating" it ) calling her my girlfriend.
I honestly can say that I have hardly glanced at other ladies.
Mine is prettier.
AND has a better sense of humour, anyways. We all know that nobody else will really ever compare to that.
I stopped regularly attending the bar, and stopped going to parties. They weren't the same. I went to a few, and ended up calling her to talk half the time, and leaving early anyways.
I haven't been wanting to, or feeling the need to, get wasted (now THAT'S worth celebrating!) Very rarely will you see me trashed, and I have come to find that hardly any of my stories start with, "So, when I was wasted on saturday/wednesday/yesterday morning.." anymore.
Hopefully all you silly kids out there in Blog-Creeper-Land realize how fucking happy that makes me.

This year, more than any other time in the past six years, I can actually feel HAPPY, as well as a butt load of other emotions. Maybe the difference is that I am not hiding behind a tallcan, or just maybe the difference is because i actually AM happy.

Miss Lauren makes me so goddamn giddy and excited and everything grand, it's ridiculous. She doesnt force her views on me (tho we much agree on many things), and lets me do my own thing. I care (i really really do!) about what she thinks and says and believes. Her opinion in bloody everything, really fucking matters to me.

She is really fucking amazing. Thats the point I am trying to make here, folks.
My absolutely breathtakingly dropdead gorgeous lady, Lauren, is the bomb-diggity. I won't let any trivial thing or person come between this killer unlabelled-uncomplicated something.
I am head-over-heels in love with her. Okay? Thought I'd point it out. Just in case it was not obvious enough.

achey panda

submissions for 12inch show:
-(3) series of mechanical scenes. included: gears, conveyor belts, gauges, wires, levers, buttons, pipes, etc.
- "Settle for a One Night Stand" in nice 50's-diner-style cursive writing,
- Trippy psychedelic mushroom scene,
- a gear (in the shape of).
- ??? [mystery record] ...not sure what I am doing on this one. perhaps something where i etch a picture into the paint on it. or something. maybe collage style?

++
new roomie is definitely a guy. not excessively messy (yet) but definitely used to living the bachelor lifestyle. i'm sure me and brittany won't have too much of an issue beating cleanliness into him. i kid, i kid.
no need to bring the authorities into this one.
speaking of authorities, the village has been popping up with camera's all over the place, in order to catch any sneaky drug dealers peddling drugs to minors, and any sneaky mofo's rolling dice in the alley.
good lucks, pigs. i hope your expensive equipment fails as soon as it snows out. i'd prefer sooner than later, but i'll take what i can get.
i'm being a retard (politically correct correction: mentally incapacitated individual) with my money and spending it on things like sandwiches, and stoner food, and my own weed to smoke. O lordy, i smoke a lot of it. In my defense, it acts as a gateway (not gateway drug) to another artistic, more awesome, side of me.
Three beers for stoner-art!
I mean cheers...
(im down to my last cold shot!)

"dude, where's my orange juice??!"

ATCHUNG! attention owners of unspayed male cats!!!

stay the fuck away from my home. you are sending Bowsa into annoying unstoppable fits of heat-induced screaming...! This is damaging to any sleep and/or sanity hoping to get accomplished in a five mile radius of my apartment!

...

Got a new roommate. Ciara moved out. CLAIRE was about to move in, but that wouldn't have worked so well, considering we had no one on the lease all of a sudden and the rental agency was like three seconds away from issuing a court order to have us booted (with class!) from our apartment. Lame!

I basically cut Claire off mid-moving-in (sorta), and instead fellow Richard took her spot, with damage deposit eagerly in his hands, ready to be elbow droppped on the next decent and available apartment opening.

coolness!

iv been spending a lot of time working on those 12inch records, and i have a few 45's finished last night i used a combination of eXtreme cutting (via cutting utensil) and a flame to melt it down (burning vinyl is not my cup of tea. i swear!) ... and not it is starting to look like a gear.

it looks dope.

anywho, P.Dot just got ahold of me, and he seems to be awake on today, Labour day (its labour day, right???) and we're going to hang out. Maybe make some art. Maybe make fun of things.

I couldnt tell you. Not yet.

random thoughts:

- i am addicted to peanut butter and jam sandwiches. every morning. every lunch. supper and dessert, if people hadn't decided to step in and have an intervention with me

- lots of art. art art art art art art art

- going to paint on the 12inch "Settle for a One Night Stand" record asap.

- actually... right now

rich uncle monkey

hello my name is CJ and ill be your professor today. Pens and papers out.

who here noticed how bad yesterday sucked? (-jots down the large percentage of hands raised-)

yesterday didn't just suck. it blew. it was just one of those days. ask anybody you know, and I bet you my firstborn, that their day sucked equal amounts. It was busy, and that isn't a bad thing. But because of my lack of skillz (skill #1: being able to orchastrate my life whilst working the most "on-call" of professions), I ended up being bitched at, and cut down, by not one... not two... but THREE people. All in the span of like maybe two hours (max).

All of these three individuals had enough plenty of a right to be pissed, so for that i do not blame them. I just didn't want to feel the intense-ness of their ultra-strong plasma harsh rays. [ZAP! -fries cj into a fine dust-] I did not, i repeat.. I did NOT intend to offend any of them, or do something wrong to their mothers, or give them the impression that they should hold me in much higher regard then they were. Bah, even a thousand of the most genuine and sincerest apologies known to man, that I was able to muster out.... shot down.

the end of summer is nearing. I am stressed-the-fuck-out, and (ya right) like you'll be able to force me to spit out what it is. Good luck. I hold this stress near and dear to my heart, and within the next week is when it will all come bursting out. More than likely, in a crazy fit of rage, or some sort of colassol mental break down. Either way, they both sound like promising alternatives compared to swallowing my pride now and just fucking spitting it out.

I want to DO something. I want to go outside and finish enjoying the summer. I want to quit complaining about how crappy the weather has been, and enjoy how nice it is now.... cuz children, we live in mother-trucking Winnipeg. It doesn't get much nicer than this. Its all downhill from here, bab-eeeee.

I am sick of WAITING to do something. I am sick of my schedule revolving around people who have nothing better to do with their time than make me believe that sitting around and doing nothing will actually accomplish a great deal. oops... that isnt right at all now, is it?

I have this apartment.

Yeah, my usual same-ol apartment. Probably about a block away from where I woke up this morning (I wake up every morning here). I pay a decent amount of money for rent like most upstanding citizens do these days. And this home of mine happens to be very important to me. It is the first place of residence that I have been situated at for a longer period of time than a couple months, in four years. The first place where I have my own bedroom, bed, and personal space (as opposed to sharing a bed, sleeping on couches, and trying to take up as little space as possible in someone else's home im "crashing" at), in four years. My crazy nutjob of cats are there as well as my ass-kicking rat prince.

Now why is it, that every time I am at home, i feel incredibly guilty.

[sentence: life]

Is my home not good enough for some people? I understand any recently explained attachment to new surroundings. Maybe thats what is going on with me, too? But, I miss things and stuff and all sorts of odds and ends that happened really not that long ago.

I am pleasantly surprised, these days, to have something to show for all the hard work I have been doing. Finally I am starting to feel like I have a little something that I like to call "control".

At the same time, these days it has weird communicating with individuals. I switched phones, yet again. People havent been hearing me correctly, and I know that I am super super quiet sometimes, but I hate repeating myself MORE than three times.
I have absolutely NO volume control whatsoever. Never have. Never will.

nothing else that I feel like typing about right now.
oh! im working on some records for the 12inch show coming up in less than a month. im doing a series of three to look like some sort of factory/mechanical thing. And then one that will say "Settle for a one night stand", but i have to make a stencil first. Im pumped/.

-comes with barfbag-

today, like most days these days, i stepped towards my apartment, from lauren's place.

having just woken up, and still squinty eyed at the sun (had there been one that we could see) i chose 1 of 3 "routes" back home. I know each one so well. Down to every last crack in the pavement.

Having had my share of photoshop, some private chillin time, and being slightly nostalgic... I got ready to head back.

Nothing out of the ordinary this day. Nothing exciting.

My vagina is broken. Not exciting news, nor is it out of the ordinary, so excuse me for now mentioning it sooner.

And because of said breaking, my stomach would attempt to do backflips.

Attempt.

I didnt say it would be successful at backflips.

so the pain, the agony, etc etc.. o woe was meeee....

(coff)

it hurt. holy hell. i texted lauren "come save me". And almost instantly, who did I see at my door? none other than lauren, who didnt even have her bag, was just wearing some clothes she threw on, and her hair unstraightened (she never leaves her house until her hair is straightened like how she does).

What a pleasant surprise. She was worried and concerned in case something was wrong. She didnt want to waste time waiting for a text back. HOly fuck, i love this girl.

ponderball '08

.//radical actions...

Valid during many months: This can be an extremely upsetting and tense period, particularly if you have allowed your life to crystallize into rigid patterns that cannot easily be changed. This is a time of great tension, because your desire for change and new experiences seems to be thwarted by circumstances or other people. If you have been putting up with unpleasant conditions in any area of your life, these will become much more difficult to withstand now. The tensions may become so great that you will unexpectedly take very radical actions that you would not have anticipated a short while ago.

During this time you face the challenge of creative change without destructive revolution. If you try to endure the pressure of a situation crying for changes in the face of profound obstacles, you subject your body to extreme tensions, which is not good for your health, especially your nerves.

Some people are utterly unconscious of the need for change in their lives. When this influence hits them, changes start to happen suddenly, which can be quite upsetting and unpleasant. The changes may even take the form of accidents, which are often an unconscious and inadvertent release of subconscious tension.

You will have problems with any relationships that seem to be holding you down too much. Relationships may break up during this time, but not usually those in which both people are open to new and challenging experiences. This influence is most threatening to structures that have become routine and rigid.

Your work situation may also become oppressive if you are given new responsibilities without any new stimulation or opportunity for a different experience. Here also there is the danger of a sudden break, such as quitting suddenly or even being fired, unless you can learn to incorporate change into your daily routine. Authority figures in general seem oppressive and become the focus of negative energy on your part."

so there it is, my very own personal horoscope for the day. as most people, can see with any horoscope. lots of things couild apply to many areas of people's lives, but I am still not a skeptic of it all.
Anywho, thats what they gave me for a horoscope. I am going to go dwell on it now, between phone calls.

*ponders meaning of life*

duck duck duck duck emu

last night was the first, in a long time, that me and my lady have spent the night at different places. other than when someone leaves town.
i was called randomly last night, but someone that I dont even think I consider a friend. But they had recently been kicked out of their place. The landlord or something? Threw everything everything everything of his into the dumpster. And kept the expensive things worth lots. Obv.
Thats rude. Altho I am sure there was a good reason for it.
When I had heard about this a couple days earlier, it reminded me of when I was stranded on the streets and no where to go. It fucking sucked some nights, to try and find somewhere to crash.
....So I offered my couch up for those times when he was in very desperate need, and had no other options. None.

He said "cool", and went about his way.

NOW, last night, however, he called and wanted to take me up on that. I had been feeling ill all day (a flu or bug or something? iunno. ) and just had FINALLY gotten cozy with Lauren and was going to hang out.
Perhaps I shouldnt have answered. But you know how Me VS. Curiousity always turns out.... messy. I answered my phone and when he asked, i didnt even say yes right away. said i'd call him back.
And I thought abotu it. And thought about it and thought about it. I could have fallen asleep at any moment right then and there, but I remembered living on the streets, and picked up my phone and called him.
We went to my place, where he didnt speak loud enough the whole time and kept asking ME to repeat myself... he is hard of hearing in one ear tho.
I got a bit annoyed. And kicked him to the couch. Chilled in my room. Because he was trying to rest, i had my cat with me, trapped behind my bedroom door.
And guess what kids... she is in heat. FUcking yay...
The annoyance of both my cat and my couch surfer were enough to drive me insane. I didnt let the cat out. I stood my ground.
My sleep suffered dramatically because of all this. The noise. And whatnot. Not to mention it was almost 4am by the time i got back home, so i was all messed up with time.

Plus.. I was wondering how lauren was doing over on her end? she seemed unimpressed by my choice of actions (stay[her] vs. go[him])... but it waasnt that simple. I guess what really got me to get dressed and ready and leave was that I had been in that same situation, and it was brutal and time passed by so slowly. I have no reason other than selfish ones (hang out with my pretty lady with the face)...
ugh. i just feel like I came off as a jerk to one person for trying to be a good person to the other.
the jerk thing was unintentional- really!

but the good intentions meant by me, seemed to go unnoticed by both parties. he said thanks, but didnt seem like he really gave a shit, or that he would help someone out in the same situation... and he owes me cash. cuz he spent what i gave him to GIVE to someone cuz he's "out an apartment".
(i dont think he's lying. cuz that blows majorly)
but his personal situation has now gotten me involved. And i dont even care for the guy very much. i think his self-righteous attitude and high horse that he's on... well they stinkkkkkk.

wheres my monayyy

a collectively random collage of thoughts and opinins, organized for your viewing pleasure...

(the following may contain harsh language, violence, and brief moments of nudity. viewer discretion advised.)

..

+sleeping pills are funny. i used to take them and they made my memory act all weird. and i literally wouldnt remember a thing the moment after taking them. it gets so intense, I practically need someone with me all the time so that they can remind me of what I was just about to do... about 718 times a day.

..

+i think the number 5 is lame. and an arrogant jerk. 9 is super chill. 2 is a somewhat highstrung. 1 is pompus, but then again, it would be.

..

+ow my lungs.

..

+lauren's zong was never named. but we did give it one. by that time, it already had a broken stem. And to make an airtight seal, there was a lot of packing and electrical tape, as well as contact cement, strategically placed to make it work again. it was dubbed, "Frankenzong" but eventually the stem decided to kick the bucket, and with us stoners all stranded without an inhalation device, we needed to work fast. we replaced the broken piece, and upon smoking it we came to the realization that it could no longer be frankenzong.

...so what happens when the undead become living again? or something along those lines... and as much as Lauren thinks im not serious, i have secretly been calling it Father Zongwater (alias The Ghost of St Frankenzong).

..

+boobs

+

+i wish i could control the weather. lightning preferrably.

+

+drum&bass rock all my socks off from now until the end of time. over and over and over. its that good.

+

+i miss what i always miss.

+

+wow its cloudy in here...

+

+lately i cannot put down my sketchbook. its like when i have the option of doing anything at all vs. drawing, i more than not- choose to draw. i bet its lame for anyone who has to witness it. watch a movie? (no thanks ill draw it seems) go out and take over the world? (in a minute. im on a roll here with these paint markers).

...im not very motivated, this means (these days), but I am getting lots of neat looking shit out of it. and i always have something to do. its way less in-your-fac

+

+i now miss contact juggling. i have replaced it (temporarily) with hacky sack.

+

+where in the world is chris loney?

+

+hi my name is CJ, (cue crowd of middle aged people forced into reciting: "hi cj") and I am not wearing pants. I have been not wearing pants on-and off for some time now. I'd say definitely the past couple of years, for sure. More and more lately, tho, is when I realized that I have been taking way too many opportunities to not wear pants. Lying about wearing them, when I actually wasnt. Pretending to have to go out and do more laudnry; an extra load of pants. I usually keep them on when people are around. There is one person I will be totally open about all this tho. The only person who can tell if I've beenwearing pants or not. Lauren. Altho, she does enable me a lot of the time....

cheers!

for the entirety of my life i was convinced that putting pineapple on pizza was absolutely absurd. an aboslutely ridiculous idea that shouldnt work. i mean, it couldnt... a pasta-ish sorta dish. with cheese and meats (in sone instances)... with pieces of FRUIT on all of that?

pfft!

disgusting, right?

well then, my friends, i was introduced to it. i, one time not long ago, decided to not pick off the pineapple that lie atop my pizza. within seconds, i was practically questioning my entire existance.

i had always believed one thing, yet it was actually another!

it just so happened that I found pineapple to be quite delicious on pizza. and it rose in the ranks above the other fruits, and soon found itself to be among the top three most chosen by me.

wont everybody join me, and raise your glasses.

so a toast

to pineapple on my pizza.

cheers, yo.

the end.

[wait for applause and clinking of glasses)

rocking horse

it whips up your hair in a frenzy, and you are forced to squint your eyes. everything rushes past you, without any hope of being recognized by the human eye.
scientific breakthroughs. amazing impossible-seeming feats. stupid new words created by r&b artists (eg."bootylicious") added to Webster's dictionary.
all barely missing you as they all zoom past your ear things, so close that you can actually feel it. Actually.
And
it all moves past so god damn fast. the past twenty three years of life, that i have witnessed, so much has changed and evolved and has been figured out.
in twenty three years iv learnt a language, observed human behavior and deciphered patterns.. and felt a fuckton of different emotions of extreme caliber.
everything is moving around me so fast.
sometimes I wish I had a lawn chair of my very own, so I could set it up, right in the middle of the chaos. Be involved without being involved. that is a fucking great plan to me.

[above was the answer to the following:
"Where do you want to sit when you grow up?"]

it is 3:42 am, according to the bottom right of my screen.
they are on their way, and i chose to stay behind.

ever get those feelings inside your emotion box that scream out "bad vibes", even though from a quick glace it would appear friendly and non-threatening. And everybody else see's them as friendly and non-threatening, so you (in turn) are persuaded into believing it as well.
well all seems good and dandy.
but...
there are still those bad vibes. you can pretend everything rocks, but you can still feel whats going on. with every minute closer to the minute of departure, there are more and more physical signs and series of events that attempt to catch your eye and make notice of said vibes of a badder nature.

well i got THOSE bad vibes.
that feeling in the pit of my gut, with an asshole attitude to match, screaming up at me, "take any excuse you can. but you know you wont enjoy yourself like you would if circumstances were different. but thats your fault."

asdfkjalkgjaflkgj so other than ditching on connect, now I have a weekend to work hard and make back my life. I would have went to the festival in a heartbeat... had it been any other time this summer.

enough with the dwelling! a good session of being comfortable 'aught to do it.

uMM.... maybe I am over-analyzing (which is probably the case, a little bit at least), but something is fucked up. Something is off. She says it isn't. It makes me wonder if it is just me. There is a possibility of that, but really, in all honesty... something IS off.

what happened, you ask?
well, I have no fucking clue. Yesterday was a tragic and beautiful day, and then everything backflipped (but didn't look cool while doing it at all)

i am leaving to Connect this weekend.
all you naysayers can fuck right off.

ps. i'm scared.

inappropriate language and content

(the following is a letter addressed to someone that only the writer could tell you. viewer discretion is advised)

dear [blank],

ahem.
so... I will admit, and this is no big surprise, that we have never been good friends.. let alone, friends even. the only reason and the only time we ever communicate (by any means) is when we are brought together by ["The Obvious"].
Can I ask you something, just one little thing right here... why are you such a jerk? Like, really... Is there any particular reason you are so vindictive towards a very specific view individuals? Some who even try for your attention. Yet you blow them off like they are the ones at fault. Grow up a little. You graduated, if you havent noticed. From HIGH school.

Maybe somebody did not inform you that you cannot just turn EVERY fucking little thing around on anyone, to make yourself seem like the better person in EVERY scenario. Apparently people these days don't know how to take responsibility for their actions.
Plus, leave me. And my work (which I actually really enjoy. Dont you dare fucking insult how I operate)... out of this. It seems to me that any issue you have is between you and.,.. well, yourself.

Good luck with the future shrink appointments. And the meds you'll get prescribed. I really do hope you go see someone about that.

sincerly, me.


(continues to post into blog....) sorry about the rant-mystery-letter. I had to. It's been bothering me. And because of the limited amount of info that I chose to disclose, i do believe that it would have been a lot worse/hairier/asgkljafdlkg jsafl;dkgkj adflkgj adf;klg ja;dfkgjafdg.

..i miss my frieeeeeeends.

turn around

+raises her fruit punch and clears throat+
i'd like to make a toast. a toast to all you fuckheads stuck in the system. a toast to all you liars and schemers and backstabbers, that give the rest of us a bad name.
fuck you people. and fuck your children and fuck your grandparents. I'm sick of dealing with lowlifes that pretend to act like they know better.

leave the people that I care about, alone. I dont care if you are a blood-relative, or an old best pal.. but fuck off. its for the best. quit causing so much unnecessary drama and pain in their lives.

screw off. you are not wanted here. nobody likes you.

with the amount I use this blog to vent about it, this thing is starting to make my life sound like its all lameness, and no love.
not true at all.
alas, i find myself venting again. venting to let out the frustration of women in general. "I'm fine" does NOT mean that you are fine, as much as you'd probably like to believe it. why am i always the bad one.. even when it was something actually serious bothering me to begin with. and when I somehow spit out the words to what it was, it was turned around on me. that was months ago.
but a prime example of what I keep finding happening in this.
akjglakjfglkafg.
k im just venting.
if that is all i have to complain about, then really I have nothing at all. im the bad one in the two of us.. ykno having dabbled in drugs and whatnot. at least I eventually come clean about it..

saskatoon

i want to go back.
but its hard to make myself while there is this obvious air of unwanted that arises when I enter a room.
so... now what? do i just kick it here then?
everything of importance is now not in my possession. wow, do i ever feel vulnerable.
why am i so concerned these days with how I feel about everything?
probably because it is so damn confusing. one moment i am happy as i all hell, and the next, I am stuck debating the impact of my presence at the time (in the case of Stay vs. Go).

this was all promised to be as realistic as possible, in the beginning. now I feel its losing those qualities.
Its not meant to be an insult.
I havent been perfect. Hell, i never am and am more than well aware of my flaws and lapses in character. Where can I take this deep breath that I need so bad?

simple (one) sentence solutions sucks

okay. so it's weird. all of it - weird.
don't get me wrong, i fucking love "weird", but I make a good point. it is.
whats "it"?
everything.
all the time.
life. death. love. blah blah blah blah.
...it.
the fact that it should all seem to simple, in theory
or on paper.
cuz It is not low on the simplicity scale. no ma'am.
"get a job!"
"save your money!"
"get over him/her/your transsexual lover!"
umm... did someone forget to notice the circumstances and conditions leading up to that point?
quit dropping the ball.
life is all about TIMING.
bad timing. good timing.
(mediocre, even?)
regardless, its all about who and what happened when and how.
and how it collided with anything or anyone else.
causing some sort of reaction of the chain variety.
IT is complicated.
your simple one sentence solutions do not apply here.
and I am pretty sure they never did.

...so maybe iv been smoking weed... lol

search: definition of confused

so i am not quite sure what just happened.
i mean, i know what happened, but is that the cause of these events that are hanging over our heads right now?
its hard to say something, under certain conditions, without it being taken out of context. and this is in person - not over some impersonal means of communication.
are things getting weird? i wasnt implying that we need our space, but perhaps its true.
in a sort of way, i feel like i should censor what i write in here, but i am not going to. what i write is what i write. read at your own discretion.
its been a hectic past week. its always been a hectic week, it seems.
i have terrible time management skills. im sure some feel as though these "skills" are getting even worse/more extreme. i couldn't tell you if these folks were right or not.
but i can tell you, that they are right in being frustrated. and most definitely right to be fed up with it. I am well aware of how annoying it would be. Scratch that... how annoying it is.
But the tension escalated. And now, especially, I notice things. Things that I would be completely unaware of the rest of the time. Or things that wouldnt [or shouldnt] bother me usually...now they do.

it probably seems like none of this is bothering me. or that I am taking it in stride, in comparison. but im just, you could say, thrown aback.
it caught me a little off guard..
although not completely by surprise..

bump

G'afternoon fellow literary-inclined blog followers,
Today I am exhausted. Last night, after a butt load of hassle and obstacles, was Lauren's grad dinner and safegrad. It was a drunk-fest, and a helluva sight to see. We were super late to dinner (we procrastinate when it comes to getting ready, plus one [+1] car accident) so we showed up about two hours into it. Thats fine by us, cuz the speeches would have been deadly boring, we figured. Guess we'll never know. But I am quite alright assuming that.
Safegrad was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. The ticket is costing me 55 bones, but I have no issue with that. The two of us looked killer, wearing almost matching plaid. I got to wear a leather skinny tie (slick!) and neither of us worried about the shoes we'd be forced to stand in. ERverbody else looked damn uncomfortable, attempting to maneuver in their heels and poofy grad dresses through the sticky dance floor to the booth that sold drink tickets.
we danced like a lesbian couple that didn't realize that lesbian couples on the dance floor are not a common thing. it was fucking great.

i had a great time with Lauren. i hope that we arent hurting too much from the accident yesterday, in a few days time. cuz that was a pretty good thud made, when the cars collided.

profile: bev

hi, my name is bev and i am 34.

I work in an office, and have my own partial cubicle. In my opinion, the walls are not as high as i'd like them to be. i have pictures of my nieces and my two cats on those walls. i poked holes in them with pins, or tacks, or whatever you want to call them. I picked those four pictures, because they are deemed appropriate. Nobody ever told me this.. i just assumed it was acceptable, because co-workers had something similar. This guy, Greg, in the cubicle beside me, has pictures of him fishing, several of his son, and a drawing that (i am under the impression) his son drew.

no offense to my cats and nieces, but I wish sometimes that I could have a picture of a window, to my left. And that window would have a view of a nice sunny, summer day. beside that, i would have a photo of me at my best friends bachelorette party, last summer. I am having the time of my life and have the biggest smile on my face, as some hired (naked) entertainment is shaking their junk in my face.
..If it didn't cause the potential loss of my job, I might consider having two small voodoo dolls pinned to the wall, of my boss and his wife.

I work in the field of accounting. I usually don't bother explaining my job to people. So "accounting" is the only thing I ever say about it when asked. I would rather have an interesting conversation, because I know they only ask because they always have. Nobody actually wants to know. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a vet. Everyone wanted to be a vet, when they were five. Twenty years after I wanted to be a vet, I had my heart set on owning a little coffee shop.
..Now I work in accounting.

When I think about things at night, I think about things like how much I wish I had strawberries for my cereal, like how I see in the commercials. Or how I don't exercise enough. Or how I much Greg from work, brags about his son too much.
..Or how I can't wait until my boring life encounters a tragedy, so that maybe something will make me live a little harder.

random thoughts

sometimes I am just not sure what to say.
and sometimes I find it best, to deal with an awkward situation (when the moment arrives) in a manner that is best left untouched.
I miss the 'good ol' days'. i think. Because I cant really remember when I was a participant of a time that I can call that.
Right now is going to be the "good ol' days", years from now. I got it good.
"Risk of thunderstorm. Severe risk of thunderstorm." blah blah blah. I'm still waiting for my thunderstorm, bitches.
Im creating a crazy mushroom picture in my sketchbook that looks like its right out of an acid trip. But even better.
CJ = in love with art.
cj = in love with dumpstering things that would have otherwise cost her way too much money.
i have a great time when I do certain things, so why do i dread it?

and now, here's something you'll really enjoy!

this was a comment I made, regarding a post my cousin had on her blog. I thought I needed to share this with a few individuals in the world that have dedicated their life to this blog.
And to them, I say, get some sleep guys. Quit obsessing over this jerktank online journal shit. Go eat some food and call you're family back. They are getting worried about you.

ceej:
"in my opinion children should be raised to embrace their traits and talents. to be taught how to have a mind of their own. "cool kid status" is informally decided by the surrounding peers.
i gotta say, i am fucking super happy today that i wasnt one of those popular ones. ya i got picked on. and ya, it hurt. but i have a buttload of empathy oozing out of every oriface of my body. and I honestly believe that I live and think freeer(and clearer) than a majority of those out there.

What are the cool kids doing right now? Getting tested for STI's cuz they been out drinking and woke up in st.james with nothing but a pair of pants."

evolution at its finest.

attention creepy people, and senior citizens!
facebook stalkers, and grammar nazi's of all ages!
(and the rest of you suckers)
I am fucking happy. Super comfortable and content with my surroundings.
Extremely in love.
Creative and in great shape.
I'm implying that I am quitting smoking again. And hardly drink "the booze" anymore... well, compared to how I used to consume it.
I am eating healthy.
Thats right- you heard it here first..!
ceej is eating practical, and since then the profit made by energy drink companies have dropped dramatically, causing a huge shift in the economy. Another crisis!
[":please wont someone think of the children!!"]
But, its okay! Screw the economy, cuz I am eating healthy.

Lauren and me are getting curious about this kitchen-thing that we noticed on the other end of my apartment. We figured out how to use a cheese grater, put lids on the pots, AND even discovered the light inside my oven.
Well... us cave-people have actually advanced in the ways of food, a lot more than described above.
We're evolving. I kno. I kno. No biggie. *brushes shoulders off then proceeds to pop colla'*

smitten

blah. grey grey grey grey....
its been raining for the majority of today. a cold rain with a cold wind. something you'd expect in november, a week before a snowfall, rather than in june (the month that "should" be preparing us for the intense heat of the summer).
grey atmosphere. grey mind-set.
for the first in a really long time, i am now feeling the repercussions of my actions long ago. Financial burden is all too familiar to everyone, and usually i dont let it get to me. Let me tell you, its fucking heavy and my shoulders are achy and now in need of some chiropractic work. Metaphorically speaking.
My day would seem to go by much fucking slower if I didn't have the company of the beautifuyl Lauren, to cheer me up and keep me warm, on days like this. I might go insane and on some sort of murderous rampage of the village.
But I dont.
And I guess maybe I shall never know? (damn eh... )

(swoon... @ L.slice)

"great teamwork! good effort! you're a star!"

today rocked the casbah. over and over and over.
i hung out all day with Lauren. and we got up to all sorts of fun shenanigans. went and got stuff from Cousins, and checked out a house she might move into, made art, hung out with billy and planned art for his pg13-aimed "children's book". (its so fucking funny. i love it!)

thigns seem to be kicking ass, between me and that girl. we had an intense weekend and it was great too. I gained tons of realizations from it. etc. etc. and so on and so forth.

i cannot put down my pencil and sketchbook. ideas have been flowing out of my hands, and its great. I am going to start a collage journal and see how that pans out. creative time is at all time high!
....accidents since [may30]: 00.....

ps. i am extremely happy with my life right now. aah! crazy! =D

back

no meat. i had subway once (still nervous about those veggie subs) with bbq rib (altho questionable whether it had ever been barbequed, or was anythign to do with ribs..).
on may long weekend i treated myself to a bbq'd steak, because if there was any "delight" that was holding me back from a strict no-meat diet... it would be that.
and it grossed me out. made me feel very bleh, and eventually I decided that I was not happy that i participated in creating demand for an industry that I most definitely do not agree with.
The alternative makes me feel way healthier anyways.

There was something in the air today. I couldnt see it, or smell it, or hear it, or taste it. My senses, for the most part, remained unaffected. Call it energy, or vibes, or a presence unlike the usual. Oh no, this isn't a bad something. It isnt a weird or odd something. But it is most definitely different. We shall have to see what comes of it.
Maybe it is just me. And my kooky new (call it:) "perspective".... on things.
Difficult to explain. If my fingers werent trying to be so lazy, i might expand on it... but ya; that. Plsu im getting bored of this screen.

i am not sure what was eating at me yesterday, but wow was I ever bothered.
wasn't waiting for hours at the mall. it wasnt anything anybody said (this year, i got tons of birthday wishes from lots of people).
it wasnt the actions of a few individuals.
i just got like that and wish that I didn't. but i took the time to step back and evaluate my situation for all it was worth.
and gave myself a slap across the face.
and smartened the fuck up.

pin up

its my birthday tomorrow. and this year I understand why my mom never gets excited over her birthday. or why nobody over the age of 18 does. every year I raised all my hopes and gave them to opportunity to be shattered when expecting something (an idea, a special few words, a non-material anything.. altho i have never known what exactly) on that day.
i never get so shitfaced drunk. i mean, i try to. and everyone else tries to, but I'll turn down drinks and give them away. i still want to remember how much fun I had. And i dont want to vomit everywhere, and waking up the next day easily and without the pain of a hangover? sounds fucking excellent indeed.
im having a few folks over on saturday. that'll be fun. i havent been in the mood for social gatherings much these days. I figure its something to do with how lame I am becoming.
Just kidding. omgzzzzz i shall never become lame. neeeeevver.
well... its possible.

the mother is taking me out for lunch/supper today. i cant wait to eat some tasty tasty mongo's. mmmmmmmm...
ill writemore later. i still have "morning hands".

puff puff pass

the past few have been super super weird
but today was perfect.
after another day of clearing our heads of all its complicated matters, I feel as though the tension in the air has disappeared. discussions were had and conclusions were drawn
went for abike ride and had ice cream
and went dumpstering and found two pinatas
and hugn out with someone iv never really hung out with before, other than a super quick visit hello.
then smoked weed and talkeed about nonsense and whales with lauren.
and watched planet earth.

i got a soccer ball today and something i needed but didnt want to go spend money on or ask questions about in a store.

sirens always go past this place. constantly.
I mean, there's a bloody firehall right across the street. When you are having conversations with someoneon in my home, any talking needs to be paused, while we wait for the blaring sirens to come and go beffore conversation can be resumed. hardly an inconvenience, but I am sure you will find some people that would complain about the noise here.
That ambulance or firetruck that just screeched past, affected anyone within a distance of it. And the people that only had to hear the siren were the least affected compared to the others. On the crappy end of the stick, that specific ambulance arrived at a car crash and people there arent in good shape. I wouldnt say the paramedics love that part. Or the witnesses. Or the dispatcher that took the 911 call.
So those fucktards that complain about an ambulance that caused them to pull aside so it could pass... or the idiots that complain about the noise the sirens make being so loud that they miss three words of their second favorite prime time show... or wake them up in the middle of the night...
well they suck. And I wont tell you what.
People dont think about that enough; that what they got is good. I guess I remember that sometimes and hope its easier to think of next time.

im retarded.
i love her to bits.
(its frustrating being frustrated and thinking clearly isnt so easy to come by sometimes.)

i smoked some excellent marijuana last night. and that is actually better for the thinking-clear thing i was going for. speaking of smoking weed... shit. i missed The chairman meow club meeting at 420 today. damn it.

why do i feel like shit.
i honestly feel like I am an idiot for thinking of feeling the things that i did. alkgj alkfgj ladfgj afdg
i shouldnt feel stupid about being concerned. ugh..
i dont fucking know anymore.
fuck this shit. seriously.

people say the darndest things..

I am having a good day... regardless of the fact that im feeling a tad crushed.

I feel like my heart accidentally got walked all over by your nice boot that i like so much. And then stuck to the bottom and eventually, after walking a block with the discomfort of it underneath the sole, you scraped it off against the first object with a solid edge. In this case, one of those cement parking cinderblocks.

Thanks just-a-little. Because all the certainty of your words lost their meaning, and now I am stuck questioning everything that I did not ever want to question.
Not like this changes a little something I like to call feelings; or to some people, emotions. But I am a little sad.
And feeling a little scraped off against a cinderblock.
I hope nothing confirms my fears. (-series of sighs-)
But...
Then again, if what im fearing is the real deal.. I'd much rather know.

beat down the kinks

I am not where I wanted to be in my life,
but I do not want to be anywhere else.

Do I feel that?
Wait a minute, is THAT a sense of accomplishment i feel in my bones??
This cant be real. Am I actually satisfied where I am at?
Of course (dont get me wrong) there are kinks in the system that still need to be worked out
.. but on the plus side... I have this slight
fascination
with these dirty beat-down kinks I speak of.
I admire the charm they require to slow down the whole operation of a machine.
And at the same time
on the opposite end of the spectrum, use profanity because they slow me down
and cause what seems to be chaos.
It all works out (always does),
and by the end of every catastrophic event, I actually find myself going over
the nonsense of a time span in my head and lapping it all up.
"Encore!' "That was fabulous!" "A real must-see for the family!" 'This year's blockbuster!"
And re-live it again.

[applaud]

I can sigh a million times over,
and not gain from it,
any sort of relief
or satisfaction
or ANYTHING that would signify
the end of an emotion
or a mental state/change.
I cannot sigh enough. Or I cant sigh at all.
Until this exact moment in time, I haven't questioned it
or made any sort of brain-type-note
confirming the action.
What is real? Because I am starting to question
the events and ideals that I had already foudn answers to.
Fuck this noise and fuck trusting just a little too much.
I dont even like wearing slippers,
with a flick of my foot
i can toss them in any direction
and walk haphazardly on broken beer bottles
and body parts strewn about,
to remind myself why
i dont
get
too comfortable.

the end. [applaud sign fails to light.]