random thoughts:

- i am addicted to peanut butter and jam sandwiches. every morning. every lunch. supper and dessert, if people hadn't decided to step in and have an intervention with me

- lots of art. art art art art art art art

- going to paint on the 12inch "Settle for a One Night Stand" record asap.

- actually... right now

rich uncle monkey

hello my name is CJ and ill be your professor today. Pens and papers out.

who here noticed how bad yesterday sucked? (-jots down the large percentage of hands raised-)

yesterday didn't just suck. it blew. it was just one of those days. ask anybody you know, and I bet you my firstborn, that their day sucked equal amounts. It was busy, and that isn't a bad thing. But because of my lack of skillz (skill #1: being able to orchastrate my life whilst working the most "on-call" of professions), I ended up being bitched at, and cut down, by not one... not two... but THREE people. All in the span of like maybe two hours (max).

All of these three individuals had enough plenty of a right to be pissed, so for that i do not blame them. I just didn't want to feel the intense-ness of their ultra-strong plasma harsh rays. [ZAP! -fries cj into a fine dust-] I did not, i repeat.. I did NOT intend to offend any of them, or do something wrong to their mothers, or give them the impression that they should hold me in much higher regard then they were. Bah, even a thousand of the most genuine and sincerest apologies known to man, that I was able to muster out.... shot down.

the end of summer is nearing. I am stressed-the-fuck-out, and (ya right) like you'll be able to force me to spit out what it is. Good luck. I hold this stress near and dear to my heart, and within the next week is when it will all come bursting out. More than likely, in a crazy fit of rage, or some sort of colassol mental break down. Either way, they both sound like promising alternatives compared to swallowing my pride now and just fucking spitting it out.

I want to DO something. I want to go outside and finish enjoying the summer. I want to quit complaining about how crappy the weather has been, and enjoy how nice it is now.... cuz children, we live in mother-trucking Winnipeg. It doesn't get much nicer than this. Its all downhill from here, bab-eeeee.

I am sick of WAITING to do something. I am sick of my schedule revolving around people who have nothing better to do with their time than make me believe that sitting around and doing nothing will actually accomplish a great deal. oops... that isnt right at all now, is it?

I have this apartment.

Yeah, my usual same-ol apartment. Probably about a block away from where I woke up this morning (I wake up every morning here). I pay a decent amount of money for rent like most upstanding citizens do these days. And this home of mine happens to be very important to me. It is the first place of residence that I have been situated at for a longer period of time than a couple months, in four years. The first place where I have my own bedroom, bed, and personal space (as opposed to sharing a bed, sleeping on couches, and trying to take up as little space as possible in someone else's home im "crashing" at), in four years. My crazy nutjob of cats are there as well as my ass-kicking rat prince.

Now why is it, that every time I am at home, i feel incredibly guilty.

[sentence: life]

Is my home not good enough for some people? I understand any recently explained attachment to new surroundings. Maybe thats what is going on with me, too? But, I miss things and stuff and all sorts of odds and ends that happened really not that long ago.

I am pleasantly surprised, these days, to have something to show for all the hard work I have been doing. Finally I am starting to feel like I have a little something that I like to call "control".

At the same time, these days it has weird communicating with individuals. I switched phones, yet again. People havent been hearing me correctly, and I know that I am super super quiet sometimes, but I hate repeating myself MORE than three times.
I have absolutely NO volume control whatsoever. Never have. Never will.

nothing else that I feel like typing about right now.
oh! im working on some records for the 12inch show coming up in less than a month. im doing a series of three to look like some sort of factory/mechanical thing. And then one that will say "Settle for a one night stand", but i have to make a stencil first. Im pumped/.

-comes with barfbag-

today, like most days these days, i stepped towards my apartment, from lauren's place.

having just woken up, and still squinty eyed at the sun (had there been one that we could see) i chose 1 of 3 "routes" back home. I know each one so well. Down to every last crack in the pavement.

Having had my share of photoshop, some private chillin time, and being slightly nostalgic... I got ready to head back.

Nothing out of the ordinary this day. Nothing exciting.

My vagina is broken. Not exciting news, nor is it out of the ordinary, so excuse me for now mentioning it sooner.

And because of said breaking, my stomach would attempt to do backflips.

Attempt.

I didnt say it would be successful at backflips.

so the pain, the agony, etc etc.. o woe was meeee....

(coff)

it hurt. holy hell. i texted lauren "come save me". And almost instantly, who did I see at my door? none other than lauren, who didnt even have her bag, was just wearing some clothes she threw on, and her hair unstraightened (she never leaves her house until her hair is straightened like how she does).

What a pleasant surprise. She was worried and concerned in case something was wrong. She didnt want to waste time waiting for a text back. HOly fuck, i love this girl.

ponderball '08

.//radical actions...

Valid during many months: This can be an extremely upsetting and tense period, particularly if you have allowed your life to crystallize into rigid patterns that cannot easily be changed. This is a time of great tension, because your desire for change and new experiences seems to be thwarted by circumstances or other people. If you have been putting up with unpleasant conditions in any area of your life, these will become much more difficult to withstand now. The tensions may become so great that you will unexpectedly take very radical actions that you would not have anticipated a short while ago.

During this time you face the challenge of creative change without destructive revolution. If you try to endure the pressure of a situation crying for changes in the face of profound obstacles, you subject your body to extreme tensions, which is not good for your health, especially your nerves.

Some people are utterly unconscious of the need for change in their lives. When this influence hits them, changes start to happen suddenly, which can be quite upsetting and unpleasant. The changes may even take the form of accidents, which are often an unconscious and inadvertent release of subconscious tension.

You will have problems with any relationships that seem to be holding you down too much. Relationships may break up during this time, but not usually those in which both people are open to new and challenging experiences. This influence is most threatening to structures that have become routine and rigid.

Your work situation may also become oppressive if you are given new responsibilities without any new stimulation or opportunity for a different experience. Here also there is the danger of a sudden break, such as quitting suddenly or even being fired, unless you can learn to incorporate change into your daily routine. Authority figures in general seem oppressive and become the focus of negative energy on your part."

so there it is, my very own personal horoscope for the day. as most people, can see with any horoscope. lots of things couild apply to many areas of people's lives, but I am still not a skeptic of it all.
Anywho, thats what they gave me for a horoscope. I am going to go dwell on it now, between phone calls.

*ponders meaning of life*

duck duck duck duck emu

last night was the first, in a long time, that me and my lady have spent the night at different places. other than when someone leaves town.
i was called randomly last night, but someone that I dont even think I consider a friend. But they had recently been kicked out of their place. The landlord or something? Threw everything everything everything of his into the dumpster. And kept the expensive things worth lots. Obv.
Thats rude. Altho I am sure there was a good reason for it.
When I had heard about this a couple days earlier, it reminded me of when I was stranded on the streets and no where to go. It fucking sucked some nights, to try and find somewhere to crash.
....So I offered my couch up for those times when he was in very desperate need, and had no other options. None.

He said "cool", and went about his way.

NOW, last night, however, he called and wanted to take me up on that. I had been feeling ill all day (a flu or bug or something? iunno. ) and just had FINALLY gotten cozy with Lauren and was going to hang out.
Perhaps I shouldnt have answered. But you know how Me VS. Curiousity always turns out.... messy. I answered my phone and when he asked, i didnt even say yes right away. said i'd call him back.
And I thought abotu it. And thought about it and thought about it. I could have fallen asleep at any moment right then and there, but I remembered living on the streets, and picked up my phone and called him.
We went to my place, where he didnt speak loud enough the whole time and kept asking ME to repeat myself... he is hard of hearing in one ear tho.
I got a bit annoyed. And kicked him to the couch. Chilled in my room. Because he was trying to rest, i had my cat with me, trapped behind my bedroom door.
And guess what kids... she is in heat. FUcking yay...
The annoyance of both my cat and my couch surfer were enough to drive me insane. I didnt let the cat out. I stood my ground.
My sleep suffered dramatically because of all this. The noise. And whatnot. Not to mention it was almost 4am by the time i got back home, so i was all messed up with time.

Plus.. I was wondering how lauren was doing over on her end? she seemed unimpressed by my choice of actions (stay[her] vs. go[him])... but it waasnt that simple. I guess what really got me to get dressed and ready and leave was that I had been in that same situation, and it was brutal and time passed by so slowly. I have no reason other than selfish ones (hang out with my pretty lady with the face)...
ugh. i just feel like I came off as a jerk to one person for trying to be a good person to the other.
the jerk thing was unintentional- really!

but the good intentions meant by me, seemed to go unnoticed by both parties. he said thanks, but didnt seem like he really gave a shit, or that he would help someone out in the same situation... and he owes me cash. cuz he spent what i gave him to GIVE to someone cuz he's "out an apartment".
(i dont think he's lying. cuz that blows majorly)
but his personal situation has now gotten me involved. And i dont even care for the guy very much. i think his self-righteous attitude and high horse that he's on... well they stinkkkkkk.

wheres my monayyy

a collectively random collage of thoughts and opinins, organized for your viewing pleasure...

(the following may contain harsh language, violence, and brief moments of nudity. viewer discretion advised.)

..

+sleeping pills are funny. i used to take them and they made my memory act all weird. and i literally wouldnt remember a thing the moment after taking them. it gets so intense, I practically need someone with me all the time so that they can remind me of what I was just about to do... about 718 times a day.

..

+i think the number 5 is lame. and an arrogant jerk. 9 is super chill. 2 is a somewhat highstrung. 1 is pompus, but then again, it would be.

..

+ow my lungs.

..

+lauren's zong was never named. but we did give it one. by that time, it already had a broken stem. And to make an airtight seal, there was a lot of packing and electrical tape, as well as contact cement, strategically placed to make it work again. it was dubbed, "Frankenzong" but eventually the stem decided to kick the bucket, and with us stoners all stranded without an inhalation device, we needed to work fast. we replaced the broken piece, and upon smoking it we came to the realization that it could no longer be frankenzong.

...so what happens when the undead become living again? or something along those lines... and as much as Lauren thinks im not serious, i have secretly been calling it Father Zongwater (alias The Ghost of St Frankenzong).

..

+boobs

+

+i wish i could control the weather. lightning preferrably.

+

+drum&bass rock all my socks off from now until the end of time. over and over and over. its that good.

+

+i miss what i always miss.

+

+wow its cloudy in here...

+

+lately i cannot put down my sketchbook. its like when i have the option of doing anything at all vs. drawing, i more than not- choose to draw. i bet its lame for anyone who has to witness it. watch a movie? (no thanks ill draw it seems) go out and take over the world? (in a minute. im on a roll here with these paint markers).

...im not very motivated, this means (these days), but I am getting lots of neat looking shit out of it. and i always have something to do. its way less in-your-fac

+

+i now miss contact juggling. i have replaced it (temporarily) with hacky sack.

+

+where in the world is chris loney?

+

+hi my name is CJ, (cue crowd of middle aged people forced into reciting: "hi cj") and I am not wearing pants. I have been not wearing pants on-and off for some time now. I'd say definitely the past couple of years, for sure. More and more lately, tho, is when I realized that I have been taking way too many opportunities to not wear pants. Lying about wearing them, when I actually wasnt. Pretending to have to go out and do more laudnry; an extra load of pants. I usually keep them on when people are around. There is one person I will be totally open about all this tho. The only person who can tell if I've beenwearing pants or not. Lauren. Altho, she does enable me a lot of the time....

cheers!

for the entirety of my life i was convinced that putting pineapple on pizza was absolutely absurd. an aboslutely ridiculous idea that shouldnt work. i mean, it couldnt... a pasta-ish sorta dish. with cheese and meats (in sone instances)... with pieces of FRUIT on all of that?

pfft!

disgusting, right?

well then, my friends, i was introduced to it. i, one time not long ago, decided to not pick off the pineapple that lie atop my pizza. within seconds, i was practically questioning my entire existance.

i had always believed one thing, yet it was actually another!

it just so happened that I found pineapple to be quite delicious on pizza. and it rose in the ranks above the other fruits, and soon found itself to be among the top three most chosen by me.

wont everybody join me, and raise your glasses.

so a toast

to pineapple on my pizza.

cheers, yo.

the end.

[wait for applause and clinking of glasses)

rocking horse

it whips up your hair in a frenzy, and you are forced to squint your eyes. everything rushes past you, without any hope of being recognized by the human eye.
scientific breakthroughs. amazing impossible-seeming feats. stupid new words created by r&b artists (eg."bootylicious") added to Webster's dictionary.
all barely missing you as they all zoom past your ear things, so close that you can actually feel it. Actually.
And
it all moves past so god damn fast. the past twenty three years of life, that i have witnessed, so much has changed and evolved and has been figured out.
in twenty three years iv learnt a language, observed human behavior and deciphered patterns.. and felt a fuckton of different emotions of extreme caliber.
everything is moving around me so fast.
sometimes I wish I had a lawn chair of my very own, so I could set it up, right in the middle of the chaos. Be involved without being involved. that is a fucking great plan to me.

[above was the answer to the following:
"Where do you want to sit when you grow up?"]