i am not sure what was eating at me yesterday, but wow was I ever bothered.
wasn't waiting for hours at the mall. it wasnt anything anybody said (this year, i got tons of birthday wishes from lots of people).
it wasnt the actions of a few individuals.
i just got like that and wish that I didn't. but i took the time to step back and evaluate my situation for all it was worth.
and gave myself a slap across the face.
and smartened the fuck up.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
pin up
its my birthday tomorrow. and this year I understand why my mom never gets excited over her birthday. or why nobody over the age of 18 does. every year I raised all my hopes and gave them to opportunity to be shattered when expecting something (an idea, a special few words, a non-material anything.. altho i have never known what exactly) on that day.
i never get so shitfaced drunk. i mean, i try to. and everyone else tries to, but I'll turn down drinks and give them away. i still want to remember how much fun I had. And i dont want to vomit everywhere, and waking up the next day easily and without the pain of a hangover? sounds fucking excellent indeed.
im having a few folks over on saturday. that'll be fun. i havent been in the mood for social gatherings much these days. I figure its something to do with how lame I am becoming.
Just kidding. omgzzzzz i shall never become lame. neeeeevver.
well... its possible.
the mother is taking me out for lunch/supper today. i cant wait to eat some tasty tasty mongo's. mmmmmmmm...
ill writemore later. i still have "morning hands".
i never get so shitfaced drunk. i mean, i try to. and everyone else tries to, but I'll turn down drinks and give them away. i still want to remember how much fun I had. And i dont want to vomit everywhere, and waking up the next day easily and without the pain of a hangover? sounds fucking excellent indeed.
im having a few folks over on saturday. that'll be fun. i havent been in the mood for social gatherings much these days. I figure its something to do with how lame I am becoming.
Just kidding. omgzzzzz i shall never become lame. neeeeevver.
well... its possible.
the mother is taking me out for lunch/supper today. i cant wait to eat some tasty tasty mongo's. mmmmmmmm...
ill writemore later. i still have "morning hands".
Monday, May 25, 2009
puff puff pass
the past few have been super super weird
but today was perfect.
after another day of clearing our heads of all its complicated matters, I feel as though the tension in the air has disappeared. discussions were had and conclusions were drawn
went for abike ride and had ice cream
and went dumpstering and found two pinatas
and hugn out with someone iv never really hung out with before, other than a super quick visit hello.
then smoked weed and talkeed about nonsense and whales with lauren.
and watched planet earth.
i got a soccer ball today and something i needed but didnt want to go spend money on or ask questions about in a store.
sirens always go past this place. constantly.
I mean, there's a bloody firehall right across the street. When you are having conversations with someoneon in my home, any talking needs to be paused, while we wait for the blaring sirens to come and go beffore conversation can be resumed. hardly an inconvenience, but I am sure you will find some people that would complain about the noise here.
That ambulance or firetruck that just screeched past, affected anyone within a distance of it. And the people that only had to hear the siren were the least affected compared to the others. On the crappy end of the stick, that specific ambulance arrived at a car crash and people there arent in good shape. I wouldnt say the paramedics love that part. Or the witnesses. Or the dispatcher that took the 911 call.
So those fucktards that complain about an ambulance that caused them to pull aside so it could pass... or the idiots that complain about the noise the sirens make being so loud that they miss three words of their second favorite prime time show... or wake them up in the middle of the night...
well they suck. And I wont tell you what.
People dont think about that enough; that what they got is good. I guess I remember that sometimes and hope its easier to think of next time.
but today was perfect.
after another day of clearing our heads of all its complicated matters, I feel as though the tension in the air has disappeared. discussions were had and conclusions were drawn
went for abike ride and had ice cream
and went dumpstering and found two pinatas
and hugn out with someone iv never really hung out with before, other than a super quick visit hello.
then smoked weed and talkeed about nonsense and whales with lauren.
and watched planet earth.
i got a soccer ball today and something i needed but didnt want to go spend money on or ask questions about in a store.
sirens always go past this place. constantly.
I mean, there's a bloody firehall right across the street. When you are having conversations with someoneon in my home, any talking needs to be paused, while we wait for the blaring sirens to come and go beffore conversation can be resumed. hardly an inconvenience, but I am sure you will find some people that would complain about the noise here.
That ambulance or firetruck that just screeched past, affected anyone within a distance of it. And the people that only had to hear the siren were the least affected compared to the others. On the crappy end of the stick, that specific ambulance arrived at a car crash and people there arent in good shape. I wouldnt say the paramedics love that part. Or the witnesses. Or the dispatcher that took the 911 call.
So those fucktards that complain about an ambulance that caused them to pull aside so it could pass... or the idiots that complain about the noise the sirens make being so loud that they miss three words of their second favorite prime time show... or wake them up in the middle of the night...
well they suck. And I wont tell you what.
People dont think about that enough; that what they got is good. I guess I remember that sometimes and hope its easier to think of next time.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
im retarded.
i love her to bits.
(its frustrating being frustrated and thinking clearly isnt so easy to come by sometimes.)
i smoked some excellent marijuana last night. and that is actually better for the thinking-clear thing i was going for. speaking of smoking weed... shit. i missed The chairman meow club meeting at 420 today. damn it.
i love her to bits.
(its frustrating being frustrated and thinking clearly isnt so easy to come by sometimes.)
i smoked some excellent marijuana last night. and that is actually better for the thinking-clear thing i was going for. speaking of smoking weed... shit. i missed The chairman meow club meeting at 420 today. damn it.
why do i feel like shit.
i honestly feel like I am an idiot for thinking of feeling the things that i did. alkgj alkfgj ladfgj afdg
i shouldnt feel stupid about being concerned. ugh..
i dont fucking know anymore.
fuck this shit. seriously.
i honestly feel like I am an idiot for thinking of feeling the things that i did. alkgj alkfgj ladfgj afdg
i shouldnt feel stupid about being concerned. ugh..
i dont fucking know anymore.
fuck this shit. seriously.
Friday, May 22, 2009
people say the darndest things..
I am having a good day... regardless of the fact that im feeling a tad crushed.
I feel like my heart accidentally got walked all over by your nice boot that i like so much. And then stuck to the bottom and eventually, after walking a block with the discomfort of it underneath the sole, you scraped it off against the first object with a solid edge. In this case, one of those cement parking cinderblocks.
Thanks just-a-little. Because all the certainty of your words lost their meaning, and now I am stuck questioning everything that I did not ever want to question.
Not like this changes a little something I like to call feelings; or to some people, emotions. But I am a little sad.
And feeling a little scraped off against a cinderblock.
I hope nothing confirms my fears. (-series of sighs-)
But...
Then again, if what im fearing is the real deal.. I'd much rather know.
I feel like my heart accidentally got walked all over by your nice boot that i like so much. And then stuck to the bottom and eventually, after walking a block with the discomfort of it underneath the sole, you scraped it off against the first object with a solid edge. In this case, one of those cement parking cinderblocks.
Thanks just-a-little. Because all the certainty of your words lost their meaning, and now I am stuck questioning everything that I did not ever want to question.
Not like this changes a little something I like to call feelings; or to some people, emotions. But I am a little sad.
And feeling a little scraped off against a cinderblock.
I hope nothing confirms my fears. (-series of sighs-)
But...
Then again, if what im fearing is the real deal.. I'd much rather know.
beat down the kinks
I am not where I wanted to be in my life,
but I do not want to be anywhere else.
Do I feel that?
Wait a minute, is THAT a sense of accomplishment i feel in my bones??
This cant be real. Am I actually satisfied where I am at?
Of course (dont get me wrong) there are kinks in the system that still need to be worked out
.. but on the plus side... I have this slight
fascination
with these dirty beat-down kinks I speak of.
I admire the charm they require to slow down the whole operation of a machine.
And at the same time
on the opposite end of the spectrum, use profanity because they slow me down
and cause what seems to be chaos.
It all works out (always does),
and by the end of every catastrophic event, I actually find myself going over
the nonsense of a time span in my head and lapping it all up.
"Encore!' "That was fabulous!" "A real must-see for the family!" 'This year's blockbuster!"
And re-live it again.
but I do not want to be anywhere else.
Do I feel that?
Wait a minute, is THAT a sense of accomplishment i feel in my bones??
This cant be real. Am I actually satisfied where I am at?
Of course (dont get me wrong) there are kinks in the system that still need to be worked out
.. but on the plus side... I have this slight
fascination
with these dirty beat-down kinks I speak of.
I admire the charm they require to slow down the whole operation of a machine.
And at the same time
on the opposite end of the spectrum, use profanity because they slow me down
and cause what seems to be chaos.
It all works out (always does),
and by the end of every catastrophic event, I actually find myself going over
the nonsense of a time span in my head and lapping it all up.
"Encore!' "That was fabulous!" "A real must-see for the family!" 'This year's blockbuster!"
And re-live it again.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
[applaud]
I can sigh a million times over,
and not gain from it,
any sort of relief
or satisfaction
or ANYTHING that would signify
the end of an emotion
or a mental state/change.
I cannot sigh enough. Or I cant sigh at all.
Until this exact moment in time, I haven't questioned it
or made any sort of brain-type-note
confirming the action.
What is real? Because I am starting to question
the events and ideals that I had already foudn answers to.
Fuck this noise and fuck trusting just a little too much.
I dont even like wearing slippers,
with a flick of my foot
i can toss them in any direction
and walk haphazardly on broken beer bottles
and body parts strewn about,
to remind myself why
i dont
get
too comfortable.
the end. [applaud sign fails to light.]
and not gain from it,
any sort of relief
or satisfaction
or ANYTHING that would signify
the end of an emotion
or a mental state/change.
I cannot sigh enough. Or I cant sigh at all.
Until this exact moment in time, I haven't questioned it
or made any sort of brain-type-note
confirming the action.
What is real? Because I am starting to question
the events and ideals that I had already foudn answers to.
Fuck this noise and fuck trusting just a little too much.
I dont even like wearing slippers,
with a flick of my foot
i can toss them in any direction
and walk haphazardly on broken beer bottles
and body parts strewn about,
to remind myself why
i dont
get
too comfortable.
the end. [applaud sign fails to light.]
Monday, May 11, 2009
dont think twice, its alright.
today makes me smile super huge
everything, just everything, went my way... despite meassuming that it would be shitty.
I woke up wicked exhausted after an excellent sleep, and I kept getting super dizzy everytime i was standing or walking for more than five minutes. but that disappeared. and everything rocks right now.
I like it when I can make bigger and better speakers work for my computer.
I like when I dont feel like I have to go out.
I like when people insist on kicking around my place longer, cuz they're having fun just chillin and chatting with me.
I like when my shitty roommates move out and awesome and cleaner ones move in.
I like it when I am healthy.
and... I like it when I only have awesome everything to look forward to.
When i feel like this, i almost think to myself (in a sort of way), "thank the baby lord and savior baby jesse... i mean jesus. its about bloody time."
but I dont do something expecting kharma to pay me back in its clever and odd method of currency. i just do it because thats how i am. right now, at this very moment in time, i feel extremely comfortable in my own skin.
..clearly for many reasons. Ever since I met Lauren, my life has fallen in place. She makes everything a lot easier.
(listening to travelling wilburys)
...(= ....
I just got a message from a buddy of mine and there are aspects of us that clash. We're nothing alike and have absolutely nothing in common. But he comes and hangs out more and more regularly when he's in the neighborhood. He lives a hectic life, so I make sure I can help him out when I can, and he's super sweet to me and offers what he can. A sweetheart, and most definitely, good shit. And in the message it read "Friend 4 real". Cuz he's a little gangsta like that, and I smiled super huge.
ah. (sighs) and then bob dylan just came on.
my life is complete. i cant wait to see Lauren tomorrow. thats the only thing missing from right now. ....... =D
cheers, all y'all!
.ceej
everything, just everything, went my way... despite meassuming that it would be shitty.
I woke up wicked exhausted after an excellent sleep, and I kept getting super dizzy everytime i was standing or walking for more than five minutes. but that disappeared. and everything rocks right now.
I like it when I can make bigger and better speakers work for my computer.
I like when I dont feel like I have to go out.
I like when people insist on kicking around my place longer, cuz they're having fun just chillin and chatting with me.
I like when my shitty roommates move out and awesome and cleaner ones move in.
I like it when I am healthy.
and... I like it when I only have awesome everything to look forward to.
When i feel like this, i almost think to myself (in a sort of way), "thank the baby lord and savior baby jesse... i mean jesus. its about bloody time."
but I dont do something expecting kharma to pay me back in its clever and odd method of currency. i just do it because thats how i am. right now, at this very moment in time, i feel extremely comfortable in my own skin.
..clearly for many reasons. Ever since I met Lauren, my life has fallen in place. She makes everything a lot easier.
(listening to travelling wilburys)
...(= ....
I just got a message from a buddy of mine and there are aspects of us that clash. We're nothing alike and have absolutely nothing in common. But he comes and hangs out more and more regularly when he's in the neighborhood. He lives a hectic life, so I make sure I can help him out when I can, and he's super sweet to me and offers what he can. A sweetheart, and most definitely, good shit. And in the message it read "Friend 4 real". Cuz he's a little gangsta like that, and I smiled super huge.
ah. (sighs) and then bob dylan just came on.
my life is complete. i cant wait to see Lauren tomorrow. thats the only thing missing from right now. ....... =D
cheers, all y'all!
.ceej
Friday, May 08, 2009
fridax
I've always anticipated things that are surely going to happen in the future.
In high school, I was anticipating how real the world would feel to everyone. And the impact it would have. And I always believe that when something was going to happen, it'd feel weird..
but to be honest it seems as natural as always in this mad world.
we are shoved out of the safe coven of our adolescent years, and thrust into the chaos and disorder, only to fend for ourselves.
they get married. they get divorced.
they overdose.
get into a car accident. they die.
suffer a mental breakdown. commited to a psych ward.
some go on welfare.
they might even get an illness.
lots get addicted to drugs.
some, well they never see drugs.
they travel and change the world.
some of them make someone else's life better.
one may attempt to tear it all down.
they live in their mom's basement for 15 years.
they move up in the world of Mcdonalds.
they get arrested. and some hurt people.
most lose their way.
they realize they are gay. or they realize they arent.
some sleep on the streets.
a few maybe kill their family. then themselves.
enlist in the armed forces
they take off their clothes for money.
they take off their clothes, among other things, for even less money.
they go to prison.
they get out. and they go back to prison.
they get out and start a family.
buy a house, boat, and work a stuffy cubicle 9-5 job.
and some get forgotten.
welcome to life.
you'd think (before-the-fact) that it'd be crazy and it would "seem so weird" to finally experience one of these., or have a good friend deal with one or more of them. seems as though it would not feel real.
personally, i dont think anything ever feels real. it is all way too intense for me.
In high school, I was anticipating how real the world would feel to everyone. And the impact it would have. And I always believe that when something was going to happen, it'd feel weird..
but to be honest it seems as natural as always in this mad world.
we are shoved out of the safe coven of our adolescent years, and thrust into the chaos and disorder, only to fend for ourselves.
they get married. they get divorced.
they overdose.
get into a car accident. they die.
suffer a mental breakdown. commited to a psych ward.
some go on welfare.
they might even get an illness.
lots get addicted to drugs.
some, well they never see drugs.
they travel and change the world.
some of them make someone else's life better.
one may attempt to tear it all down.
they live in their mom's basement for 15 years.
they move up in the world of Mcdonalds.
they get arrested. and some hurt people.
most lose their way.
they realize they are gay. or they realize they arent.
some sleep on the streets.
a few maybe kill their family. then themselves.
enlist in the armed forces
they take off their clothes for money.
they take off their clothes, among other things, for even less money.
they go to prison.
they get out. and they go back to prison.
they get out and start a family.
buy a house, boat, and work a stuffy cubicle 9-5 job.
and some get forgotten.
welcome to life.
you'd think (before-the-fact) that it'd be crazy and it would "seem so weird" to finally experience one of these., or have a good friend deal with one or more of them. seems as though it would not feel real.
personally, i dont think anything ever feels real. it is all way too intense for me.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
and I didnt even want a "thank you".
just, for two moments in time, to be treated like a normal human. I have been the nicest and most considerate person in the world to him, even tho I really would like to not be a lot of the time.
like, what the fuck did I do?
other than not let him touch my boobs like jynx does. fuck.
my brother thnks he has problems.
its probablly a rare disease. symptoms include: being an asshole, having terrible karma, and walking into traffic.
i dont like not-liking someone so much. but he's burnt his bridges with me. over and over and over. i'm not even going to fake liking him now, cuz he's leaving. he should have left yesterday.. according to my calender and every other one right now, its the 2nd already.
get the fuck outta my home, douchebag. you're tresspassing.
just, for two moments in time, to be treated like a normal human. I have been the nicest and most considerate person in the world to him, even tho I really would like to not be a lot of the time.
like, what the fuck did I do?
other than not let him touch my boobs like jynx does. fuck.
my brother thnks he has problems.
its probablly a rare disease. symptoms include: being an asshole, having terrible karma, and walking into traffic.
i dont like not-liking someone so much. but he's burnt his bridges with me. over and over and over. i'm not even going to fake liking him now, cuz he's leaving. he should have left yesterday.. according to my calender and every other one right now, its the 2nd already.
get the fuck outta my home, douchebag. you're tresspassing.
Friday, May 01, 2009
good morning.
great morning, actually. here i am, awake and in a fabulous mood. last night i got a great sleep, passing out next to my favorite female ever. great sleeps are hard to come by. the past week has been a lot easier to fall asleep at night. so waking up means im feeling all healthy and rested. rare, so i am grateful.
been more and more interested in Buddhism these days. i think that a trip to the library will benefit me lots.
great morning, actually. here i am, awake and in a fabulous mood. last night i got a great sleep, passing out next to my favorite female ever. great sleeps are hard to come by. the past week has been a lot easier to fall asleep at night. so waking up means im feeling all healthy and rested. rare, so i am grateful.
been more and more interested in Buddhism these days. i think that a trip to the library will benefit me lots.