...sometimes you find things out that nobody has bothered to mention to you.
And this, just now, is one of things that ground you.
and i cant stop crying.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
living dead grrrrrrl
Why can't everything just be uncomplicated? And all the decisions we make, be done without any regard to the underlying conditions? Why must we take into consideration, the continuously confusing (and seemingly ridiculous) human emotions involved, when we act upon anything?
Gawd, it's so fucking confusing - this life bullshit. And unnecessarily so!
+++++
Why do I care so much about what someone else does with their own life, as long as they are safe and (especially in the long run) making sure their needs are taken care of? And worry about them. Especially one person when it comes to one situation.
Perhaps it strikes a cord in me, a little deeper than that.
One that wonders if this person even still standing strong behind her morals and values that once held her high (and her nose, even higher) above her peers. And especially above the general population.
But, I sit and wonder to myself several things. I question what gives me the right to judge, and the right to have an opinion. ....I can have an opinion about whatever I choose to. But judge?
That's pretty petty.
Especially for me.
To judge the actions she chooses to partake in (whether or not it be on regular basis), wouldn't be right of me. I know lots about it from any info given to me from her, through stories or pie charts... or whatever. And I have most definitely heard (then again, who hasnt?) everybody else's extremely biased thoughts and opinions on the matter.
To be honest, those extremely biased opinions go through one ear and out one of the other ones. I do not have room in my life for hate. Or haters.
Fuck that noise.
So therefore, I am looking on the subject of the matter and STILL wondering if I have the right to discriminate- because that's what it is. Discrimination. Straight up.
Because, folks... it is 2009. I don't know if you noticed, but a lot of things that a LOT of us do sounds absolutely terrible on paper. I am not going to lump her to together with all "the others" (that i dont actually personally know, but apparently base my opinion on according the movies and television)...
Asdjglksdfjglsfdjgsldfgjsldkfgjlasjflaksdjgf..
sigh. I dont know. I am confused. That(/this) rant was(/is) about Jynx, who strips. I worry that she is losing who she is. Or who she was.
But [**dramatically stands up.. somehow.. over the internet**] ...you know what? We all change. We all grow up. We all evolve as humans and learn, and use experiences to forward us... blah blah blah.
She is good, and soon-to-be-very-good, at what she does. She is happy doing it. She makes more money than at a call centre or a fast food restaurant, or at any other conventional job! There is less drugs going into her system than ever. And she looks and feels great.
It is not like it was any concern, but her confidence factor is through the roof.
Degradation is actually the last thing I am worried about.
She knows fully well what she is doing, and how to do it better. Of course, I am concerned about her safety... but jebus, she's lived on the streets and most definitely found herself in more serious situations than her current "day" job.
And what do I know about the life of a stripper? I will tell what I know... absolutely nothing. There are plenty of these so-called "dancers" out there that also handle an actual day job, and juggle some children [not literally.. or wait, maybe literally? i never asked...] in there too.
So listen, CJ (as well as anyone that would fucking consider themself a hater of sorts), if she wants to strip, let her strip. Good for her, because she actually has the balls to put herself out there in a vulnerable position and STILL keep her grip on reality and still gain inspiration from it. Especially the hotel rooms, and the long drives out, and the mega late hours.
If she really actually believes that it is right for her.. then, isn't it????????
It concerns ONLY her, and if she really truly and honestly wants it and likes it for all the right reasons then that is all that fucking matters.
It.. affects.. NOBODY... else.
I am reasoning with myself, as I type.
So... FUCK the stereotypes. Even myself, have proven so many labels false. And ridiculous. And old-fashioned. And just plain fucking stupid..
I should be the last person to hate.
In fact, (you know what?) I am fucking happy for her.
Good..
..damn it.
And everyone else should be too.
Jynx is a rad person. Anybody who thinks otherwise, is clearly being stubborn and does not even know the girl.
I wish I could shake everybody into reality, sometimes.
Hmm.. perhaps THAT is why we shouldn't shake babies.
(**note to self: do not test this theory**)
Gawd, it's so fucking confusing - this life bullshit. And unnecessarily so!
+++++
Why do I care so much about what someone else does with their own life, as long as they are safe and (especially in the long run) making sure their needs are taken care of? And worry about them. Especially one person when it comes to one situation.
Perhaps it strikes a cord in me, a little deeper than that.
One that wonders if this person even still standing strong behind her morals and values that once held her high (and her nose, even higher) above her peers. And especially above the general population.
But, I sit and wonder to myself several things. I question what gives me the right to judge, and the right to have an opinion. ....I can have an opinion about whatever I choose to. But judge?
That's pretty petty.
Especially for me.
To judge the actions she chooses to partake in (whether or not it be on regular basis), wouldn't be right of me. I know lots about it from any info given to me from her, through stories or pie charts... or whatever. And I have most definitely heard (then again, who hasnt?) everybody else's extremely biased thoughts and opinions on the matter.
To be honest, those extremely biased opinions go through one ear and out one of the other ones. I do not have room in my life for hate. Or haters.
Fuck that noise.
So therefore, I am looking on the subject of the matter and STILL wondering if I have the right to discriminate- because that's what it is. Discrimination. Straight up.
Because, folks... it is 2009. I don't know if you noticed, but a lot of things that a LOT of us do sounds absolutely terrible on paper. I am not going to lump her to together with all "the others" (that i dont actually personally know, but apparently base my opinion on according the movies and television)...
Asdjglksdfjglsfdjgsldfgjsldkfgjlasjflaksdjgf..
sigh. I dont know. I am confused. That(/this) rant was(/is) about Jynx, who strips. I worry that she is losing who she is. Or who she was.
But [**dramatically stands up.. somehow.. over the internet**] ...you know what? We all change. We all grow up. We all evolve as humans and learn, and use experiences to forward us... blah blah blah.
She is good, and soon-to-be-very-good, at what she does. She is happy doing it. She makes more money than at a call centre or a fast food restaurant, or at any other conventional job! There is less drugs going into her system than ever. And she looks and feels great.
It is not like it was any concern, but her confidence factor is through the roof.
Degradation is actually the last thing I am worried about.
She knows fully well what she is doing, and how to do it better. Of course, I am concerned about her safety... but jebus, she's lived on the streets and most definitely found herself in more serious situations than her current "day" job.
And what do I know about the life of a stripper? I will tell what I know... absolutely nothing. There are plenty of these so-called "dancers" out there that also handle an actual day job, and juggle some children [not literally.. or wait, maybe literally? i never asked...] in there too.
So listen, CJ (as well as anyone that would fucking consider themself a hater of sorts), if she wants to strip, let her strip. Good for her, because she actually has the balls to put herself out there in a vulnerable position and STILL keep her grip on reality and still gain inspiration from it. Especially the hotel rooms, and the long drives out, and the mega late hours.
If she really actually believes that it is right for her.. then, isn't it????????
It concerns ONLY her, and if she really truly and honestly wants it and likes it for all the right reasons then that is all that fucking matters.
It.. affects.. NOBODY... else.
I am reasoning with myself, as I type.
So... FUCK the stereotypes. Even myself, have proven so many labels false. And ridiculous. And old-fashioned. And just plain fucking stupid..
I should be the last person to hate.
In fact, (you know what?) I am fucking happy for her.
Good..
..damn it.
And everyone else should be too.
Jynx is a rad person. Anybody who thinks otherwise, is clearly being stubborn and does not even know the girl.
I wish I could shake everybody into reality, sometimes.
Hmm.. perhaps THAT is why we shouldn't shake babies.
(**note to self: do not test this theory**)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
"the come-hither motion"
awake. i miss her. i always always do. it was something we both decided; for her to not sleep here, once a week. In the past few months, tonight will be the second night she spends away from my place. We don't want to get sick of each other, but when the time comes to choose whether or not she should stay or head home, having her in my bed for another night... well, it always wins over the alternative.
To be completely honest, like how I do, I do not know anyone that has nearly as much sex as us. Honestly, it is an excellent thing that we cannot reproduce with each other. Society should thank us for being gay! Otherwise we'd be having babies left and right, and eating our new-born.
You're welcome, society!
We're always doing it, or thinking about doing it, or talking about doing it.
It just needs to be done. And that is our job.
..
...
i freak myself out when im alone. i hate being alone. so i am happy that i dont live by myself.
paranoia - a result of the drugs i did.
To be completely honest, like how I do, I do not know anyone that has nearly as much sex as us. Honestly, it is an excellent thing that we cannot reproduce with each other. Society should thank us for being gay! Otherwise we'd be having babies left and right, and eating our new-born.
You're welcome, society!
We're always doing it, or thinking about doing it, or talking about doing it.
It just needs to be done. And that is our job.
..
...
i freak myself out when im alone. i hate being alone. so i am happy that i dont live by myself.
paranoia - a result of the drugs i did.
Monday, March 23, 2009
enthusiasm at its finest
She pulls on her shoes with tears in her eyes, and by the time I let her leave, they are already beginning to roll down her face. I feel like a terrible person, even though I haven't done anything to hurt her... or did i? And now I am sitting here, questioning whether or not it was me that made her cry (the answer I concluded, was that yes.. it was me).
I wish it wasnt.
This morning I woke up with a metaphorical chip on my shoulder, having spent a night in a world where every person I knew, had something very personal against me. I guess, when the sleepiness wore off, I was still on the defense.
Sigh.
I don't know what I am trying to say.
My sister came by quick today to say hi, and told me about this paranormal experience, i guess you could say, that her friends Dad had... but like talking to my dad. And they've never met?
It is hard to explain to all you nay-sayers, but that (like most topics concerning my dad) hit really close to home. I cried.
THats right; i did just that.
It has been ten years and counting. Seems like forever, even though it feels like last week. It's just one of those days. I'll survive. I always do.
I wish it wasnt.
This morning I woke up with a metaphorical chip on my shoulder, having spent a night in a world where every person I knew, had something very personal against me. I guess, when the sleepiness wore off, I was still on the defense.
Sigh.
I don't know what I am trying to say.
My sister came by quick today to say hi, and told me about this paranormal experience, i guess you could say, that her friends Dad had... but like talking to my dad. And they've never met?
It is hard to explain to all you nay-sayers, but that (like most topics concerning my dad) hit really close to home. I cried.
THats right; i did just that.
It has been ten years and counting. Seems like forever, even though it feels like last week. It's just one of those days. I'll survive. I always do.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
i have a suggestion to keep you all occupied..
"...Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.
It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks
Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this
Silly shit, stupid shit...
One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.
Learn to swim.
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.
Learn to swim.
Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.
Learn to swim.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.
Learn to swim.
Fuck smiley glad-handsWith hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure acresses..."
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Holy friggin' boredom, Batman..
Practically 5am. I even finally got some wireless internet flowing in the apartment today and actually have internet to use at my leisure... and even the crazy crazy world of the internet can't keep me entertained.
I have been looking at art and graphic design sites, so now I feel inspired.
I used a power drill today. Not very gracefully, might I add.
My hair has been blonde for a few days. I went on a cleaning frenzy today and found myself chopping away at my hair. The ability to be distracted easily is one of my stronger traits.
K so, maybe I should smoke less weed.
I love talking about art. It's one of those "so-excited-you-pee" loves.
So, maybe it's a little intense. ha
Practically 5am. I even finally got some wireless internet flowing in the apartment today and actually have internet to use at my leisure... and even the crazy crazy world of the internet can't keep me entertained.
I have been looking at art and graphic design sites, so now I feel inspired.
I used a power drill today. Not very gracefully, might I add.
My hair has been blonde for a few days. I went on a cleaning frenzy today and found myself chopping away at my hair. The ability to be distracted easily is one of my stronger traits.
K so, maybe I should smoke less weed.
I love talking about art. It's one of those "so-excited-you-pee" loves.
So, maybe it's a little intense. ha
contribute to society; help minors purchase alcohol.
prepare them for life.
dont let them act like an American on spring break.
prepare them for life.
dont let them act like an American on spring break.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
meanwhile, back at the ranch..
*ahem*
dearest computer screen,
i find that I am constantly waiting for something or someone. does that make me impatient? I think that I practice a considerable amount of patience, all things considered.
(thats what she said!)
gaaawd, i despise "thats what she said"...
that, to whcih I respond, "please kind sir, do not speak of this she in front of me. thank you" but I dont say it like that. It is less nice, and does not include a please and thank you.
NEW and IMPROVED (not guaranteed by any officialky licensed individuals) ceej!
Now comes in flavours like Old School and Jerk!!
Friday, March 13, 2009
and featuring... rich uncle monkey!
random thoughts:
Friends are friends that are questionable.
Possible future note: Dont trust anyone from ontario.
I love weed.
Weed weed weed.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
I havent seen or talked to Britney in awhile... Note: contact her.
I find it intense that I live with a stripper.
I could never off my clothes for dirty old men/strangers/someone's dad. Even for money.
Tonight I drew and completed something, which I have not done in awhile.
I dont hate my roommates.
Complaining isn't awesome.
I'm pretty awesome tho.
I am ridicu-baked right now. Yay!
when I started this I had a million things to say.
I forget easily.
I'm bored now.
Dance, monkey.
Friends are friends that are questionable.
Possible future note: Dont trust anyone from ontario.
I love weed.
Weed weed weed.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
I havent seen or talked to Britney in awhile... Note: contact her.
I find it intense that I live with a stripper.
I could never off my clothes for dirty old men/strangers/someone's dad. Even for money.
Tonight I drew and completed something, which I have not done in awhile.
I dont hate my roommates.
Complaining isn't awesome.
I'm pretty awesome tho.
I am ridicu-baked right now. Yay!
when I started this I had a million things to say.
I forget easily.
I'm bored now.
Dance, monkey.
Monday, March 09, 2009
gouda
It is just one of those days.
One of those days, where everything is extremely irritable to me. Honestly, i dont mean to be and I can't help that I am. It happens to everyone, where (ykno what?) they dont need to be in the best mood ever.
I am not having a bad day tho.
It's been kind of swell. I am just beaten and worn down from the weekend. And I've totally been feeling the need to get wasted- drunk, that is.
Its been awhile.
The weekend had its definite perks. I spent lots of time with my lovely lady friend, and we cleared the air with a lot of things. She is fucking amazing to me, and I cannot say that I have been treated this great ever. I feel a bit guilty about exposing her to my intense mood swings of dooooom.
Cuz they are pretty doom-tacular mood-swings.
I feel like I have all of this energy that i am not putting to good use.
Perhaps collage-related tasks will calm down my nerves. I have been cutting down smoking, too. I bet that is an additional factor.
One of those days, where everything is extremely irritable to me. Honestly, i dont mean to be and I can't help that I am. It happens to everyone, where (ykno what?) they dont need to be in the best mood ever.
I am not having a bad day tho.
It's been kind of swell. I am just beaten and worn down from the weekend. And I've totally been feeling the need to get wasted- drunk, that is.
Its been awhile.
The weekend had its definite perks. I spent lots of time with my lovely lady friend, and we cleared the air with a lot of things. She is fucking amazing to me, and I cannot say that I have been treated this great ever. I feel a bit guilty about exposing her to my intense mood swings of dooooom.
Cuz they are pretty doom-tacular mood-swings.
I feel like I have all of this energy that i am not putting to good use.
Perhaps collage-related tasks will calm down my nerves. I have been cutting down smoking, too. I bet that is an additional factor.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
seatbealts save lives
Once upon this time there was this very strange girl.
This very strange girl had very strange hair, and would talk in very strange ways to very strange people. The most peculiar thing about this odd female, was that she was always thirsty all the time.
She would have very strange dreams
In these dreams, she would mug old people for their thermos full of three day old lukewarm chicken broth, or attempt petty acts of vandalism and destruction; breaking into turn-of-the-century vending machines for the chance at some pepsi-cola products.
And in these dreams, she would consume and consume and consume all of her beverages.
This was followed, of course, by a very strange burp.
When she was awake in her very strange real life, she would drink like a fish. Meanwhile, thinking to herself about that one time when she saw a gold fish chug back a 24 of Moosehead. He didn't even flinch.
Silly gold fish.
The only thing that ever quenched this never-ending thirst (which she learnt from the gold fish's extremely healthy example)... was the sweet and delicious (and slightly overpriced, in her opinion) taste of beer.
Then one very strange day, this very strange girl used her very strange knowledge from her very strange dreams...
and robbed the nearest liquor store.
After three days and three nights of intense and dedicated thirst-quenching, the cops arrived at 10am to find her dead on arrival.
The end.
This very strange girl had very strange hair, and would talk in very strange ways to very strange people. The most peculiar thing about this odd female, was that she was always thirsty all the time.
She would have very strange dreams
In these dreams, she would mug old people for their thermos full of three day old lukewarm chicken broth, or attempt petty acts of vandalism and destruction; breaking into turn-of-the-century vending machines for the chance at some pepsi-cola products.
And in these dreams, she would consume and consume and consume all of her beverages.
This was followed, of course, by a very strange burp.
When she was awake in her very strange real life, she would drink like a fish. Meanwhile, thinking to herself about that one time when she saw a gold fish chug back a 24 of Moosehead. He didn't even flinch.
Silly gold fish.
The only thing that ever quenched this never-ending thirst (which she learnt from the gold fish's extremely healthy example)... was the sweet and delicious (and slightly overpriced, in her opinion) taste of beer.
Then one very strange day, this very strange girl used her very strange knowledge from her very strange dreams...
and robbed the nearest liquor store.
After three days and three nights of intense and dedicated thirst-quenching, the cops arrived at 10am to find her dead on arrival.
The end.
slight complications at home these days. JD moves out soon.
I'm excited for him. Since he's lived here, we havent really hung out. I have hung out wthi him less times than I have hung out with most friends from ontario and saskatchewan. Lame, I know.
Me and him dont click, the way Jynx and him do.
Not really any bother to me, tho. For some reason, i am sure.
Anywho, weekend coming up. There is this girl that I know; she is coming in from out of town. I don't really tlak to her much these days. Not sure if there are reasons for that either.
I have to give up any internetting that I may be able to do.
Peace out, internets.
I'm excited for him. Since he's lived here, we havent really hung out. I have hung out wthi him less times than I have hung out with most friends from ontario and saskatchewan. Lame, I know.
Me and him dont click, the way Jynx and him do.
Not really any bother to me, tho. For some reason, i am sure.
Anywho, weekend coming up. There is this girl that I know; she is coming in from out of town. I don't really tlak to her much these days. Not sure if there are reasons for that either.
I have to give up any internetting that I may be able to do.
Peace out, internets.