Okay, so I have been thinking that I should be recording all these crazy-person thoughts I've been having lately, and a collection of all these dreams that I have every night. These dreams have been becoming increasingly revealing to my inner subconscious. Not to mention, more and more of them lucid. I find that exciting.

Dreams aside, life these days has been seriously lacking in the happiness category. Of course, there are bits and pieces to my day that generally make me happy here and there, but other than that I have been walking around with this dark cloud looming over my head. This dark cloud has been trailing behind me by about three steps, kind of like that cute neighbourhood cat that insists on following you to your destination after you stop to give it a quick pat on the head and some attention (like how i love to do).

Y'kno how you keep walking... and every so often you glance back behind you to see if that cat is still following you... yet, as soon as you make that eye contact it is right back to keeping pace with you?

Yeah. That "cute little cat" that followed you for three blocks... is that not-so-cute dark unwanted cloud that is following me for three months.

And I would just like it to go away.
It has been so goddamn distracting. Any movies I try to watch, I cant! But I try to anyways. I have to purposely pay extra attention to the movie, and tell my brain to STOP THINKING, otherwise I will just fall behind. It is a common occurrence these days where 15 minutes will have passed in whatever I have been watching, and I suddenly notice that I haven't seen or heard anything that has happened directly in front of me on the screen that I am staring straight into. Then I shake my head and rewind back to where I stopped paying attention. And this happens numerous times throughout one movie. Making something that 2 hours long, over three hours to watch.

Sigh of frustration.
Damn you, loud thoughts...

And it distracts me from countless other things as well. Including phone conversations, normal conversations. I just find it completely impossible to pay attention. Which makes me feel even worse, because I do not mean to come off as a space-case. Although it must look as such.

At this point, I have started to get really down on myself. Just beating myself up for things that I have to remind myself I have no control over. For example; why am I not doing something better with my life, and how have I not done this sooner...

I am not using this as an excuse, but I just know that all this is because I am bi-polar.
And wow, as much I like to think of it as just a goddamn phase that will hopefully eventually pass (as these patterns in the past have come to teach me...), it is so hard to break out of it. I would give anything to have to ability to manually shift these moods into manic. And oh how I love to be manic. The grass is always greener on the manic side. Always.
...until it all catches up with you, that is.

And at that point, I have no idea what color that grass is supposed to be.

Well this ends another rant for now.
These posts will become more frequent, as my dreams are of a nightly occurrence. And I want to keep a record of everything that is happening.
And life! Oh, and life.