it is 3:42 am, according to the bottom right of my screen.
they are on their way, and i chose to stay behind.

ever get those feelings inside your emotion box that scream out "bad vibes", even though from a quick glace it would appear friendly and non-threatening. And everybody else see's them as friendly and non-threatening, so you (in turn) are persuaded into believing it as well.
well all seems good and dandy.
but...
there are still those bad vibes. you can pretend everything rocks, but you can still feel whats going on. with every minute closer to the minute of departure, there are more and more physical signs and series of events that attempt to catch your eye and make notice of said vibes of a badder nature.

well i got THOSE bad vibes.
that feeling in the pit of my gut, with an asshole attitude to match, screaming up at me, "take any excuse you can. but you know you wont enjoy yourself like you would if circumstances were different. but thats your fault."

asdfkjalkgjaflkgj so other than ditching on connect, now I have a weekend to work hard and make back my life. I would have went to the festival in a heartbeat... had it been any other time this summer.

enough with the dwelling! a good session of being comfortable 'aught to do it.

uMM.... maybe I am over-analyzing (which is probably the case, a little bit at least), but something is fucked up. Something is off. She says it isn't. It makes me wonder if it is just me. There is a possibility of that, but really, in all honesty... something IS off.

what happened, you ask?
well, I have no fucking clue. Yesterday was a tragic and beautiful day, and then everything backflipped (but didn't look cool while doing it at all)

i am leaving to Connect this weekend.
all you naysayers can fuck right off.

ps. i'm scared.

inappropriate language and content

(the following is a letter addressed to someone that only the writer could tell you. viewer discretion is advised)

dear [blank],

ahem.
so... I will admit, and this is no big surprise, that we have never been good friends.. let alone, friends even. the only reason and the only time we ever communicate (by any means) is when we are brought together by ["The Obvious"].
Can I ask you something, just one little thing right here... why are you such a jerk? Like, really... Is there any particular reason you are so vindictive towards a very specific view individuals? Some who even try for your attention. Yet you blow them off like they are the ones at fault. Grow up a little. You graduated, if you havent noticed. From HIGH school.

Maybe somebody did not inform you that you cannot just turn EVERY fucking little thing around on anyone, to make yourself seem like the better person in EVERY scenario. Apparently people these days don't know how to take responsibility for their actions.
Plus, leave me. And my work (which I actually really enjoy. Dont you dare fucking insult how I operate)... out of this. It seems to me that any issue you have is between you and.,.. well, yourself.

Good luck with the future shrink appointments. And the meds you'll get prescribed. I really do hope you go see someone about that.

sincerly, me.


(continues to post into blog....) sorry about the rant-mystery-letter. I had to. It's been bothering me. And because of the limited amount of info that I chose to disclose, i do believe that it would have been a lot worse/hairier/asgkljafdlkg jsafl;dkgkj adflkgj adf;klg ja;dfkgjafdg.

..i miss my frieeeeeeends.

turn around

+raises her fruit punch and clears throat+
i'd like to make a toast. a toast to all you fuckheads stuck in the system. a toast to all you liars and schemers and backstabbers, that give the rest of us a bad name.
fuck you people. and fuck your children and fuck your grandparents. I'm sick of dealing with lowlifes that pretend to act like they know better.

leave the people that I care about, alone. I dont care if you are a blood-relative, or an old best pal.. but fuck off. its for the best. quit causing so much unnecessary drama and pain in their lives.

screw off. you are not wanted here. nobody likes you.

with the amount I use this blog to vent about it, this thing is starting to make my life sound like its all lameness, and no love.
not true at all.
alas, i find myself venting again. venting to let out the frustration of women in general. "I'm fine" does NOT mean that you are fine, as much as you'd probably like to believe it. why am i always the bad one.. even when it was something actually serious bothering me to begin with. and when I somehow spit out the words to what it was, it was turned around on me. that was months ago.
but a prime example of what I keep finding happening in this.
akjglakjfglkafg.
k im just venting.
if that is all i have to complain about, then really I have nothing at all. im the bad one in the two of us.. ykno having dabbled in drugs and whatnot. at least I eventually come clean about it..

saskatoon

i want to go back.
but its hard to make myself while there is this obvious air of unwanted that arises when I enter a room.
so... now what? do i just kick it here then?
everything of importance is now not in my possession. wow, do i ever feel vulnerable.
why am i so concerned these days with how I feel about everything?
probably because it is so damn confusing. one moment i am happy as i all hell, and the next, I am stuck debating the impact of my presence at the time (in the case of Stay vs. Go).

this was all promised to be as realistic as possible, in the beginning. now I feel its losing those qualities.
Its not meant to be an insult.
I havent been perfect. Hell, i never am and am more than well aware of my flaws and lapses in character. Where can I take this deep breath that I need so bad?

simple (one) sentence solutions sucks

okay. so it's weird. all of it - weird.
don't get me wrong, i fucking love "weird", but I make a good point. it is.
whats "it"?
everything.
all the time.
life. death. love. blah blah blah blah.
...it.
the fact that it should all seem to simple, in theory
or on paper.
cuz It is not low on the simplicity scale. no ma'am.
"get a job!"
"save your money!"
"get over him/her/your transsexual lover!"
umm... did someone forget to notice the circumstances and conditions leading up to that point?
quit dropping the ball.
life is all about TIMING.
bad timing. good timing.
(mediocre, even?)
regardless, its all about who and what happened when and how.
and how it collided with anything or anyone else.
causing some sort of reaction of the chain variety.
IT is complicated.
your simple one sentence solutions do not apply here.
and I am pretty sure they never did.

...so maybe iv been smoking weed... lol