"muffle muffle*

awake at a silly little hour.
thought i would take this opportunity to spew (you read that correctly - "spew") some sort of wisdom on the unsuspecting world of the internet.
or not.
its far too much five-nineteen-a.m. to draw up any wisdom to share.
bowsa is visiting here at Laurens. i missed her way too much, so I thought I'd be greedy and bring her all the way out here for a while. she isn't meshing well with the cats, though they have been previously introduced. actually, more than just introduced - they lived amongst each other for quite the period of time.
but I do not know how long I will keep her out here for.
she has more than doubled in weight, my cat.
i know I have mentioned it before. but its more than just "a little bit of weight"... its actually starting to really bother me that she is so much more over-weight than the average cat is supposed to be. not to mention, she has smaller structure than most feline mofos.
this makes me unhappy for several reasons..
- bowsa's less active. i know argument will be defended with a, "well she's getting older and she's fixed now... they generally start settling down." Not to this much of a difference.
- finances. this means that she eats more cat food. which means I dish out more money for a "free-range fed" cat. not to mention extra cat litter for those little kitty poops caused from that little kitty food she stuffs in her face.
- future health concerns. i love my cat and would actually like for her to live as long as possible. so on top of shortening her years, the amount of weight she has put on also severely ups her chances of getting all those lovely cat illness that seem way too easy for them to acquire.
....did i mention finances? oh, i mean how much money it is potentially going to cost me to bring her to a vet, or pay for cat meds, etc.etc. The canadian health care system applies only to those who have had the option during our lives, of attending school (grades K through 12)....ie.human.

i know I am rambling on and on. But I feel that my being Bowsa's owner, is not respected one fucking bit.  I have heard, as counter-arguments to my own, that my cat is "a lot happier now", and to which I agree. But that is not because of the food.

On the other hand, I am not quite at liberty to have much say in the matter right now. For she has been taken good care of by my sister, to which I am incredibly grateful and appreciative of. But it is bothersome. And it is costly. And I know I sound like a fucking broken goddamn record, but I can't quite handle it anymore.
Alas, I will have to have a discussion with my sister, sometime soon. This will be one of the conversations which I would like to have take place. Also, I'd love to chat with her about other matters.
Those other matters?
Well, honestly, they aren't as serious as this blog post would have one believe. Mostly, I just really miss her and would love to catch up, and find out how her life has been this past month. I have lots to tell her, and really owe her a world of thanks.
I really do. As pissed off (and was I ever) and furious as I was, and all that shit.... I couldnt be happier to have an in-your-face, confrontational, loving and involved sister.
I'm lucky, you know.
No, I'm serious. Because I know that she'll be the person with the most genuine and sincere comment, when I need it. And I know that she'll have my back when I really need it the most. Like, REALLY need it.
I know, though, that I am only just now, recovering the pieces of a (once-again) broken me.
[you'd think that I'd be damn good at that by now. Well, for your information, these cracks don't occur along the same mended ridges from the previous times. It's always, in a way, different...]
Only now, am I remembering me and who I am....
and only now, finally opening myself up to the world, as sick and twisted as it can be.
And now beginning to open up about myself. And its taking some time. And ya it hurts a little, here and there, sometimes.
And sometimes a lot.
But fuck, goddamnit, it's about time. {insert profanity again}
My sister is one of those people that I know I will have a very intense conversation with, when I see her. It's taken a stupid amount of time to actually go right ahead and just realize these things about myself. In theory, it all seems so easy, and the complications of human emotion seem so silly and trivial. But self-discovery and all that jazz is a little more complicated than being mad or sad or glad (dr.suess-style).
I guess the point I am trying to make.... is that some people I am just not ready to stand before certain people. I don't fear being judged for my choices, or for being criticized.
....well, not anymore.
I am just not ready to face the many questions that I know Tania will have for me. I am just not quite ready. At least I friggin' know this. I feel less like a sissy-face (thats the latin name for it) this way.

Wow that is a lot of words for this time of day.
Whew, glad to get that off my chest. Jumping back into the bed now.
Gosh, that was long. Shucks gee-whiz golly geeeeeeeeeee